


Wilt

by SayoRiri



Series: The Wilt Alternate Universe [1]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Cussing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Monika has a little bit of anxiety, Not a game, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-04-08 05:24:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 32,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14098185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SayoRiri/pseuds/SayoRiri
Summary: Sayori is a flower, slowly wilting. Her depression is so much, too much on her little body.Still, Sayori still is fighting. It's very hard, but she still is.Will she stay strong, or crumble?





	1. The Normal Life of a Girl Named Sayori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori tries to live like she normally does. Although it's harder than some might think.

Sleep is a wonderful thing. It can make you leave your mind. Full of regrets, full of doubt, full of sadness. For eight hours, it can disappear. I wish I could sleep longer. I wish I could sleep forever.

However, even things like sleep can be tainted with. It can fill up with your mistakes, your mishaps, your errors. That's why I’m up at 2:30am, on a school night, crying. I don't want to face my terrors.

~~I won't have to anymore~~

I started distancing myself with sleep, no, nightmares. It started as only getting five or three hours of sleep. It fell into not sleeping at all. However, my depression ridden mind roams, punishing me. Punishing me for all of my actions, even the littlest ones.

I'm tired. I'm tired for not sleeping in weeks. I’m tired of the depressing thoughts. I'm tired of acting.  ~~I'm tired of living~~. Still, I have to go to school. My only salvation is there, the literature club.

I slowly got out of my bed and opened my old wooden closet that was given to me a few years ago. My parents gave it to me, before the worries, the drama, the depression.

"It doesn't matter anymore,” I yelled quickly grabbing an article of clothing, a certain light pink shirt, and thrown it on the ground out of stress. It fell on the floor without a sound.

~~You have drowned deep down enough to be mentally unstable. You are utterly  **disgusting**.~~

I stared at the clothing before picking it up and putting it back in its respected place. After, I looked for my school uniform and realized I had it on. It was ridden with tear stains and drool.

~~Are you really so lazy to not even change your uniform. You're so filthy! In a few years, you will be sleeping on the dirty streets, or better yet, **dead**~~!

I can feel my self-esteem fall lower. I forced myself to go on. I quickly put off the uniform and thrown it into a washer machine. School can understand if I'm late today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5-17/18


	2. School Time!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori has a fun day at school!

I slept through class today. It wasn't an unusual thing for me to sleep during class, I do it a lot. However I think I slept too much today, probably because of me suffering at night. I slept through bells and dismissals, my friends had to wake me up every period. I wish they will  ~~stop~~  spend time with me, they're too precious for that. Still, they care for me.

~~I don't know why.~~

“Do you need to go to the nurse," a person with pink hair said. She had two ruby-red ribbons on the sides of her head, connected to her very small ponytails. She was short for a senior, and skinny too. Her personality made up for that. She had a hard and rude attitude, covering up her sweet personality, like a sour icing on a sweet cupcake.

“Hellooooo?” She waves her hands in my face, snapping me out of whatever trance I was in. I blinked, then  stared in her round pink eyes, my eyes confused.

~~You can't even listen to your **friends**. Why do she still is with  **you**. You deserve  **no one!**~~

“What were you talking about again Natsuki," I asked, my face looking for answers.

Natsuki sighs and gives up. “Never mind, we have to go to the clubroom or Monika will be suspicious at us again. I don't want her to get the wrong idea!” She grabs my hand and rushes to our her club, pushing many other people away without a second thought.

I wonder when she was this fast. I should ask her sometime.

~~**To annoy her.** ~~

When we were at the club, she lets go of my hand and pants breathlessly. I too, tired from trying to catch up and fail, try to catch my breath. The two other club members seemed it was a good idea to open the door and saw this;

Two of the younger club members coughing a fit, sweating furiously, and almost looked like they were back from a 100k run. Not my prettiest moment, if I had any.

Natsuki was the one who spoke first. “We are fine! Just… came back from a.. little jog from the other side of the school building!!” After a few minutes, the color in our faces returned, and we went inside.

~~Wow! It takes only a **few steps**  to you to almost faint! How will you find a  **job**  being so  **weak and useless!**~~

“Are you sure you guys are okay," a shy voice calls out, worry piping from it's tone. The voice belongs to a mature woman with long, full purple hair. Two purple hair clips were accompanied by it, each holding a bit of hair. She has interesting figure which gets in trouble with boys a lot. In her hands, her newest book to add to her collection. It was dark for what i’ve been told, but I've never read it.

**~~I am too stupid to read it anyways.~~ **

She, however, the smart and intelligent person she is, likes dark themes, contrasting to her shy, quiet barrier. She does anything to get her hands on one! I wish I was that devoted.

“I swear, we are fine Yuri," I chuckle. Yuri doesn't look like she believes me, and stares at me before going to make tea for us.

 

I ~~'m a terrible actor.~~

 

~~I can't even make tea if I tried.~~

 

~~I don't deserve **tea**~~

 

~~I don't **deserve anything.**~~

 

~~No..~~

 

 

 

~~I deserve something…~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~ **That to die, I deserve no to find me, I deserve to rot with the pests and the dirt.** ~~

 

~~ **That is where I belong.** ~~

 

 

“-yori!? Do you need to go home? I can always drive you,” a voice says that was neither Yuri or Natsuki's, though I seem to hear Natsuki mutter, “ _There she goes again_ ” , before groaning. Her eyes tell a different story.

The person in front of me was no other than the pretty Monika. Her lips curved to a frown. Her eyes sparkle but is full with worry, she seemed quite nervous.  ~~ **Did I really made Monika feel like that, sad!? How inconsiderate of me! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid Sayori!**~~

I didn't say this out loud, my eyes didn't even glisten with sadness. I need to keep up this mask. For Natsuki, for Yuri, for Monika. For the literature club.

I however didn't keep the blush on my face in check. Monika was so close to me! I can hear her short breaths. This was too close! Too close! “I-!”, I stammered. “I am doing just fine! N-no need!” I chuckled nervously, putting my index fingers together. It was an embarrassing habit.

Monika stepped back. Thank God. She had the same untrustworthy face like Yuri. “Just come to me if anything's up, okay?”

~~**Am I very that untrustworthy?** ~~

“Okay”! I gave Monika a thumbs up. She laughs quietly, her face a little flustered.

“She’s hopeless," she says quietly between her giggles. I chuckled with her.  ~~ **She laughing at me, not with me**~~.It made it better thinking she was laughing with me.

“Okay Everyone!”, Monika says. It's her usual catchphrase, clever too. We all stop what we were doing and listen. “I just gotten notice about the festival! It's next week! And we are in it!” The whole room and everyone in it erupts in confusion, except for Monika.

“Yep! This literature club needs new members, don't you think! The festival is a great way to do this! Now, do you guys have any ideas?”

We look at Monika, dumbfounded. I surprisingly found my voice first. “Ooooooooo.., maybe posters! They will be cute!”  ** ~~First, with a stupid idea. Why do I even try?~~**

“That's a great idea, Sayori!”, Monika  ~~lied~~  said. She looks around the classroom,  ~~bored  of me~~ looking for someone else. “Anyone else?”

“Hmmm”, Natsuki thought aloud. “Maybe I can bring in cupcakes?”. Natsuki always had great ideas. Of course, the cupcakes will attract people! She makes the best too! I feel my mouth water.  ~~No! I cannot be a greedy **pig**  now, this is a serious situation!~~

“And maybe..” Yuri spoke up. “Maybe… I can do decorations! I… I have a good eye for stuff like that”. Yuri has great ideas too! The decorations will to attract people! Not just some  ** ~~lousy~~**  poster.

“Great ideas! Both of you," I said, sounding  ** ~~fake~~**  excited. “I'm so excited for how this will turn out!”

Monika pats my head.  ~~ **She is telling me to shut up. Why won't I listen?**~~

“We have to work on it hard to make it a reality. So for now on at club meetings will work hard on the festival, never giving up!” I admire Monika’s compassionate voice! I wish I can be like that someday.

~~ **What someday?** ~~

We planned some more things before cutting the club close. “Goodbye Everyone!” Monika said cheerfully. I was grabbing my stuff before she holds my arm. “Can I talk for you for a second?"

 

 ~~ **Am I that hard to talk too**~~?

 

“Sure," I said. We waited for the two girls to leave before talking in hushed voices.

“You are not feeling alright” She looks at my hideous face, a sad look on her face. “You don't look like alright either. You sure you are okay? Is something wrong at home? You can always come ov-”

“I'm fine, Monika.” I smiled sadly as I picked up my bags and headed towards the door. “Goodbye," I say, not facing towards her, and out the door I went, leaving a sad and confused club president behind.

 

**...**

 

~~ **Yes, I am** ~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5-17-18


	3. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori unfortunately remembers her past.

“Beep! Beep! Beep!” I lay unmoving. I stayed awake for another night. Unable to fight my fears. Like a failure. I sigh, at least I am content with being one. At least I was used to it. At least it wasn't the beginning.

“Beep Beep! Beep Beep! Beep Beep!” The alarm got increasingly annoying. I guess I have found my twin. Still, I lay there. Out of tears, out of laughter, out of anything, really. I was like a corpse, lying there.

 

~~Maybe, I can fulfill a wish and be one?~~

 

I sigh. My mind won't let me off the hook, will it? I finally turn off the alarm clock, who was doing a long continuing “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!”  I feel like doing nothing. I am nothing after all. Maybe I will stay home. Maybe that will get the club members off my back. ~~They don't need to care for a piece of sh.~~

So, I lay there, staring at nothing, 'enjoying’ my day off. My thoughts bury me in the process. Let it happen.

~~ **Let me die.** ~~

My thoughts like to hurt me by making me relive memories. My memories are quite stupid, unwanted, unneeded, and annoying. It gets on my nerves, the worst possible pain I do to myself. Just remembering how stupid and gullible I make me uncomfortable. How little I knew! How little I was! It's embarrassing and sad.

~~**So sad.** ~~

But still, I hurt myself. Not with knives, drinking, or drugs. Just memories. They are **so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so** worse.

I remember when I was eleven and thought of myself was the happiest person in the whole world. I used to laugh and smile and cry and express my emotions fully! Oh, how ~~stupid~~ free I was! I thought I can help anyone! I was talked down quickly, by **him**.

I remember when I was thirteen how blunt I was. I express my opinion like an ~~idiot~~ normal person. People would actually feel happy! I expressed my opinion more and more, still maintaining my good girl personality. I thought I can talk with anyone! I was cursed at forcefully, by **her**.

I remember when I was fifteen. I was the most carefree person in the world! I didn't need to think over or know what I was saying, just saying it. I was appreciated for my carefree attitude! ~~**What changed**~~? ~~**What changed?!**~~ I thought I was able to be myself! I was bullied by **them**.

I remember a few months ago, still eighteen. I remember my parents disowning and cutting all contact with me. I remember my friends bullying me and cutting all content with me. I remember me getting negative thoughts and happiness cutting contact with me. I remember me circling into a depression and stayed. I remember, and it hurts.

 ~~ **But no one else remembers, no one else even knows**~~.

 

My vision blurs, my tears flow, my mind aches.

“Why me!”

I yell it's not helping but I need to.

 

“ **WHY ME-”!**

The rest gets cuts off with loud sobs. Why me. Why I remember, when no one else bats an eye. Just… why…me?

I can feel insanity knock on my doorstep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5/23/18


	4. Poster Making

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori makes posters with Monika. She develops a childish crush for her.

I felt better when it's about club time, so I fix my face of the ~~ugliness~~ tears and washed my clothes again. I slowly but surely got ready and came out the house. This might put my mind off things.

I walked to the club room, no one was inside. I guess I was early. ~~I guess, no one wanted to come because of me.~~ I closed the door and sat in one if the beige chairs. I readied to perform when the door opened.

The first one who came in was of course Monika. Her face was full of worry. Was she was feeling that the whole day. **~~Was it because of me?~~ ** I felt bad, but she looks cute when she's nervous. It was a whole new side of the confident club president. I flushed. ~~**I was very bad of a person.**~~

Monika looked left and right, looking like she is expecting something. All she got was the wall. She sighed before going to the teachers' desk. Monika didn't see me at first, probably since I was in the back, but then she went to the teachers' desk. Then it happened.

Monika gasped. “Sayori? Sayori why are you here? I thought you were absent from school?” She turned away and hid her flushed face from me, ~~**disappointed probably.**~~

“I was feeling better so I decided to come to the club!” I lied. I didn't help myself at all.

“Oh? But you have these terrible bags on your face.” Monika walks over and caresses my face. She sadly smiles, “Are you sure you don't want to skip a day? Her emerald eyes interlock with mine. She's a jewel. ~~**Too bad I don't deserve her.**~~

“Yea! We are working on the festival today! I don't want to miss that!” I laugh, she turns her head once again. ~~**Stupid Sayori.**~~

“I'm glad you are ok.” Monika then walks backs to the teacher's desk and deals with paperwork.

The others came inside a few minutes later. Yuri has a small smile on her face while Natsuki eyes widened. “Welcome back guys!”, I say.

“Welcome back, I hope you feel better Sayori”, Yuri says.

*Welcome back! I.. uh… I mildly appreciate you being here… and everything”, Natsuki says. Yuri pets her head and chuckles.

~~Why do they care for me? Isn't it clear? **I am worthless!**~~

“Ehehe Thanks!”, I say instead.

 Everyone settles down before Monika stops dealing with paperwork and stands up. “Okay, Everyone! As we know, we had already made plans to work on the festival today, but we haven't work on who does what. So, I decide to choose for you!”

Natsuki groans while I excitedly clap my hands. ~~**Always at the wrong time!**~~

“So, Yuri and Natsuki will be working together! Leaving me and Sayori to work together. Isn't that fun?!”, Monika squeals.

**~~Was that a mistake? Did I hear her correctly? Do I have to work with her? I don't deserve it! I don't deserve any of it. Please, tell me i’m dreaming. I'm going to mess it up. All of it, gone. I-~~ **

Monika places a hand on my shoulder. “Is this alright?” My face heats up.

“Erm Yea! It's great to work with you! I enjoy it! Ehehe” ~~I don't deserve it.~~

 

**I**

~~**Don't** ~~

~~**Deserve** ~~

~~ **It** ~~

 

Monika looks ~~disappointed~~ relieved. “Now, let's work! Sayori and I will work in the hallway since the clubroom is crowded.” She isn't wrong. The chairs and desks makes the clubroom at little crowded. Not to mention there's only four of us and we can't barely move.

Monika and I went in the hallway while the other two worked on their tasks.

“Do you have any ideas?”, Monika said. A smile on her face.

“Hmmm,” I say. I don't really had any. ~~I'm useless anyways.~~ “Oh! I have one!” I began sketching out on the piece of paper between us. Monika seems u ** ~~nimpressed with my stupid a~~** \- impressed.

“I like that, you have a really **~~useless~~** imaginative idea Sayori! ~~**Kill yourself now**~~ However I'll like to add..” ~~**Monika grabs and erases my worthless work**~~ Monika takes the pencil and adds stuff to the sketch. She has amazing ideas.

~~**Why can't I have amazing ideas.** ~~

~~**Why do I have to fail everything I do** ~~

~~**Why am I worthless** ~~

~~~~

~~**Worthless** ~~

 

 

 ~~ **Worthless**~~  

I get up from the sitting position I was in. “I'm going to the bathroom, okay?” Monika looks up and nods, then is back to her own work. 

~~**Not caring about me** ~~

 

And that itself made me have a breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5/23/18


	5. Monika's Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika decides to help Sayori out.

**Monika's Pov**

 

Sayori's been in the bathroom for so long. It's almost the duration of the literature club and she's still isn't here. Should I get her?

No, what am I thinking! I don't know her enough. Maybe she's just going to get water afterward, or talking to a lingering teacher. I sigh, my face is getting redder the minute.

“I'm back!” a sudden outburst of sunshine said. Sayori. I looked up at her smiling, looking at the sketch I made modifications too. It was only little ones, like polka dots in the background or changing colors. The main idea was all Sayori's.

“I'm finished!” I say as gave Sayori back the paper. She reads over it an smile on her face. For a second it looked like a sad smile.

“Monika, I love it!” Sayori went on and rambles about how good my changes are. I noticed how she didn't include her changes. Did she forget it was all her idea?

“Give yourself some credit, it's your idea” Sayori was flustered, it makes her look cute. Sayori chuckled uncertainty. Then she started to mumble her words, I couldn't hear them.

Her eyes became dull, a faraway look in her eyes. The hanging bags had grown. She was like this yesterday, and even today when I announced partners. Sayori obviously didn't get any sleep today, even being home from school. 

This has to stop. She's getting rest even if I force her to.

I put both of my hands on her and gently shake her shoulders. Then, I say sternly, “Sayori, you're staying at my place tonight.”

“Ehhhh?!” That woke her up, success!

“Yep!”, I say the confidence president voice is back. “I noticed you haven't been getting much sleep lately, so I decided to throw you a surprise sleepover!”

*But Monika, I’m fine. Psssshhhhh!”

“Then tell me why you been sleeping through periods for at least a week now”. She stayed silent, reel her in! 

“Come on, it will be funnnnnnnn” I playfully put my arm on her shoulder.

“I don't know Monika, maybe next ti-”

“Sayoriiiiiii! Please! I will even invite them!” I shouted loud enough that Yuri and Natsuki can hear. Apparently, they have already been listening to our conversation, seeing that light pink and dark purple hair isn't normally seen in the window.

They perk their heads up. “Ehhhh?!”

“Why are we apart of this, I think you should go by yourselves” a voice complains.

”Yea, we will ruin the fun for you two! I think we will stay home, even if we can't take photos…” a quieter voice follows.

I took a while to process this in. Finally, it clicked and my face became hotter. “You. Guys. Can't. Take. W H A T?”

Natsuki's face also got hotter. ,”Yuuuurrrriiiiii!”

Yuri tries to recover herself. “I mean, we won't be able to see you guys bon-”

“I mean, I won't feel obligated to be able to see those photos” Sayori chimed, twiddling her thumbs. I can't feel my face anymore.

“Yay another member! It was only Natsuki and I. Let me help you join the group chat. Here, do you have a-” I walk down the hall from a drink. I can't listen anymore. I will probably die from heat stroke if I do.

It ended with me and Sayori getting added to the “SayorixMonika Fan Club” group chat. It was funny but embarrassing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys deserve two light-hearted chapters.
> 
> *kinda light-hearted chapters
> 
> (Updated 5/23/18)


	6. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori isn't the only one with a problem.

**Monika's Pov**

 

Okay, Everyone!” I said. I recovered from the group chat that Yuri and Natsuki had. I wonder how many photos they have. “The club is dismis-” I thought of something mid second. The poetry!

Oh god, I forgot to tell them we are speaking poetry at the festival. Oh god, oh no… I start to sweat mid-sentence, confusing the club members.  
I have broken my unofficial record of opening and ending the club perfectly. Surely my _popularity_ will come down. What would happen to me then? Will I only be a speck?

I can not tell them. They will never know you messed up, they will never know you were _weak_ , they will never decrease your _popularity_.

No, I will tell them. They will benefit from it, even it's just an acknowledgment. I don't care if my popularity comes down with something so little as this. I am human. Humans have flaws. I am not a _perfect_ Ai.

I am human  
Humans have flaws  
I am not a _perfect_ Ai.

I took a deep breath.

“Uh... em. I forgot to tell you guys something!” my voice started wobbling, but then fulfilled its confidence throughout the sentence. “We will be poetry speaking in the festival!”

Sayori and Yuri's faces flushed. It was hard to see who was winning, it was a close tie. However, I don't remember Sayori ever being shy. As to answer my question, she started to zone out again. Oh, that's why.

“Hehe, I forgot to tell you guys yesterday, but we are going recite poetry! You guys thought all we were going to go is to give out cupcakes and flyers in a decorative room, right?” Two of the girls looked away doubtfully, one is still zoned out.

I chuckled. “But no need to worry about that, we have a sleepover to get to! Club adorned!” I watch everyone continue to get their stuff before rushing over to the dazed girl.

“Sayori? You there?” I wave my hand to her face. Not a moment past before she was back. Still, the sparkle in her eyes falters.

“Eh?!” She jumps back and nearly falls but maintained her balance. When she's standing up straight, she looks all over the room with a clue of what just happened. “What were we talking about again?”

I remember yesterday when I told Sayori to talk to me if something's happening. I hope she does. She doesn't look well, at all, and from my experience either something is going on at home or she just going to sleep very very late than she usually does. I hope it's the latter.

I watch her get her bags, the lost sparkle in her eyes returned in her eyes, although it seems nobody noticed.

“Is something wrong?” I blinked and there she was, stars in eyes, esteem overwhelming bright, and smile wide as she could make it. The Sayori we know and love was right in front of me.

However is this Sayori we know is the real one?

“Not at all!” I say. “Let's leave”

I got our stuff and left the club with my lovely clubmates. Without the zone outs and anxiety, today was a great day.

 

 

But the day isn't fully over yet, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Updated 5/23/18)


	7. The Portrait of Markov

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori starts off the night talking to Yuri. Yuri tells her about her book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I considing changing the rating to mature, the future chapters will have some dark stuff in it.
> 
> And I mean dark.
> 
> Also I'm posting this today since I will be posting 3 tomorrow.

**~~Sayori~~ Pov**

 

I walked into Monika's house. It was very nice. We were met with a fuzzy white carpet leading with three rooms. Living and dining rooms and the kitchen. “Woah Monika, I never knew you had a cool house!” I heard her chuckle when I went out to explore.

  ~~Too bad **you** will never get a house like this. If **your** lucky, **you'll** get a box to hide **your corpse.**~~

Monika's house was not too small but not big. Just enough to fit daily living necessities and be comfortable. I wish I can be in a house this nice. It is hard finding a place this comfortable in an affordable price range. I wonder how she does it.

  ~~ **Anyone can, except you.**~~

I sat down on a nearby couch. It was pure white, just like the carpet, I saw when I first walked in. Yuri sits on the floor, a book in her hands. It's her favorite book, The Portrait of Markov. I wonder what it's really about.

“Hey, what's that book about,” I say, leaning close to Yuri to see a glimpse of a page before she immediately closes it.

~~ **Yep. Nice one Sayo. Stalker much.** ~~

“Uh, um” Yuri studders. “Are you sure you are okay with horror Sayori? This one has a lot of it.”

~~ Of course, I thought of **myself** many times! ~~

“You betcha,” I say, trying to get that last thought out of my head.

You're worthless. You're stupid. You're annoying. You're unneeded. You're unnecessary. You were a mistake. You're unintelligent. You are a whore. You're dumb. You're emotional. Your not wanted. You're lazy. Your fat. Kill yourself NOW. NOBODY WILL CARE.

 

** ~~n o b o d y  w i l l  c a r e~~ **

** ~~o~~ **

** ~~b~~ **

** ~~o~~ **

** ~~d~~ **

** ~~y~~ **

 

** ~~w~~ **

** ~~i~~ **

** ~~l~~ **

** ~~l~~ **

 

** ~~c~~ **

** ~~a~~ **

** ~~r~~ **

** ~~e~~ **

 

 

 

I shiver at the last thought.

“I knew it was too mature for you.” It was followed by a faint sigh from Yuri, closing the book once again. A small smile appears on Yuri's face, along with her saying, ”Maybe next time?”

**~~I ruin something for myself once again.~~ **

“Yea, next time” I positioned myself in a comfortable position on the couch.  

 

~~**What n e x t  t i m e?** ~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Updated 5/23/18)


	8. Frosting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori helps Natsuki frost cupcakes

I was getting impatient with not doing anything. I couldn't ~~bother~~ to talk with Yuri since she's reading her book. She looks very interested in it. After all, it was one of her favorites. I wish I was interested like that with my books and ~~my life.~~ I wish I don't lose them all the time.

I got up and went to the kitchen where Monika and Natsuki were supposedly working on snacks. Only instead Natsuki was working on snacks while Monika disappeared. Natsuki was trying a pink frosting she made, by the look on her face, it was delicious. I wanted to try some.. **~~No! I can't be a pig now! Not now!~~**

~~Please….~~

“Where's Monika”, I ask. Natsuki turned around, there's still frosting on her face and in her hands were an unfrosted cupcake and a pink frosting bag decorated with dark pink hearts. My stomach growls.

“Hmm, she said she was going to get something from upstairs” Natsuki answers. “She still hasn't come downstairs yet though. I am about to yell her lazy ass downstairs” She chuckles and gets back to frosting the cupcakes.

 

“Ooooooooo! Can I do one?” ~~Damn it stupid fucking **P I G**.~~

Natsuki turns at me, her face between ~~**disgust**~~ nervousness and ~~**mortified**~~ amusement. “Sure”

“Yay~” I rushed over to the counter near Natsuki, careful to not push her step stool. “What do I do?”

“Start here” She taps to a side of a cupcake, “And then swirl.”

I started to frosting the cupcake. It was hard, my hands started to shake, missing some parts. ~~It was stupid. Stupid. stupid. Stupid.~~

 

~~Stupid me.~~

~~Stupid depression.~~

~~Stupid parents for birthing me.~~

** ~~Stupid friends for caring me.~~ **

** ~~The stupid world for not killing me,~~ **

** ~~Stupid me for not doing it, yet.~~ **

 

“Uh um.. Sayori you can stop now…. Sayori?! Sayori!!” Natsuki was trying to pull the icing out of my hands when I stopped zoning out. I let go. The cupcake had a tremendous amount of frosting. “Now I have to make it all over again!”

“I’m sorry, for everything. I'm sorry, Natsuki. I'm sorry!” I mumble.

“You what?!” Natsuki yelled. She was angry at me. I don't blame her. **~~Who would not yell at a big sack of disappointment~~**?

“Nothing” I took my overly frosted cupcake and sat down at the living room table. It was good, as always, but something in my gut is disgusted. I guess I should just ~~throw it up~~. Maybe at the end of the day. I just can't hold it inside myself. I don't deserve this.

**N o t  a n y m o r e**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Updated 5/23/18)


	9. A Album Of Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki and Yuri make a certain album

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, chapter 9 and 10 aren't posting for some reason, so I had to scrap them and make another chapter 9. Future chapters might be affected because of this, sorry.

**Natsuki's Pov**

 

I have awoken to the soft snores of Yuri. She was still sleeping, her arm unconsciously around me. She looked relaxed in this state of mind, more laid back than I ever saw her. I pulled a drowsy smile, everyone deserves to have time to just relax once in a while, even Yuri. 

I stayed in the position for a while, both because I was too tired to move and because Yuri holding me was actually feeling pretty good, even if won't admit that out loud. But then I realized this was Yuri's arm. Ya know, my  _biggest_  school nemesis. She wasn't my biggest one  _anymore_ , but still.. I immediately took her arm off of me, awakening her. 

When she sees me her face turns flustered, I guess I had a disgusted expression on my face. "I-I'm sorry if I did a-anything wrong..." 

I relaxed. "Nah, it's cool" She gives a small smile. It warms my heart.

I stood up, stretching for a millisecond before Yuri grabs my arm and forces me to sit down. Her face is between a shock and a sly smile. 

"Yuri! What the he-" I got interrupted by Yuri cupping my mouth. The whole house gets drowned in silence. Yuri sighed, her smile still in place, but bigger.

"Look, behind you." Yuri mouths. And then I saw them.  

Monika with her head on Sayori's shoulder. She looked like she was sleeping, but it was no way to know for sure since their backs are turned towards us. Her white bow was gone, leaving only her long ponytail to swish in the wind.

Sayori was awake for sure, judging by the phone in her hand, glowing a gentle light, and her light pink heart earbuds, nesting comfortably in her ears. Her other arm was around Monika's figure from the back. She looked calm. 

From the past month I saw her, she looked like she was calm for the first time in weeks.

A stupid wide smile formed on my face. Another one! I desperately reach for my phone, still looking at the scene in front of me. I quickly unlocked and turned the flash off. Then, I tried to get a perfect shot.

It was Yuri's idea to do this, surprisingly. It was at one of the meetings, I don't know the number, nor I even care. I do remember that Monika was reading a book with a confused Sayori. Monika was showing her what some of the complex words meant. It was cute. And then, out of nowhere, "You know, it is cute to take pictures of them together."

A moment of silence occurred, except for Monika explaining words to Sayori. "Yuri. What. The. Hell?!"

"I mean.. We can gather pictures of them and put them into a photo album.. a-and maybe give it to them as a gift? I mean... Forget it, it's a creepy idea.." Yuri says, hiding her face with her hair.

I finally understood. "What you saying is that we collect photos from them together, put them in an album, and give it to them as a gift?" 

"Yea.. But if you don't feel comfortable with it, we could drop it.."

I sigh. It was a good idea, but it's not like I would say that. But, the reactions would be priceless. Plus we never hold an album to keep memories from the literature club. I guessed this would be a beginning.

"I mean it isn't a good idea.." Yuri's face fell but still looked understanding. "..but, I think we should try it!" 

"Really?" Her face lit up. Not many times her ideas are considered. I guess the school's stereotype of who should make ideas a reality are outdated, this girl had lots of amazing ideas.

Don't. Even. Try.

"Yea, I guess.. it would be a decent idea." 

Yuri smiled a wide smile. It wasn't because of she being sly or lewd, but a pure one. The rarest ones in my collection. It made my heart soar.

 

 Now after a month of gathering pictures, posting them on a group chat, and some bonding, we are finally here. I caught the picture, perfect. I quickly put it in the group chat before seeing our two new members, Sayori and Monika. 

We haven't told them about our project yet, only about the group chat. I was kinda nervous to lie the group chat's history, but they bought it. Thank god.

Sayori looked back at me and Yuri from her chair. Her eyes obviously still tired, but still sparkles as she grins slyly at us. She saw it.

I flicked her off while Yuri gave her a thumbs up. We really are polar opposites sometimes. Sayori grins and turned back to the front of the table, looking back on her phone. 

I guess our photos isn't a secret anymore, but the actual project is. Still, if the project was known to everyone, I will still keep taking photos. Not of just Monika and Sayori, but of Yuri, and me too! I will make sure nobody will forget the literature club's memories.

It was the best thing that happened to us, after all.

..

 

..

 

.

 

I will never convince myself to say that to anyone. 


	10. Reminded*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori is reminded by last night.
> 
> *This isn't for the faint of heart.

_**Warning: This chapter isn't for the faint of heart. If you don't feel comfortable reading about throwing up or self-harm, skip this chapter or just read until the line!** _

 

**Sayori's Pov**

Last night was terrible. So many things happened, all in five hours. And now, I have a daily reminder of it. I look at the photo on my phone. Monika sleeping on my shoulder while I hold her. It seems cute and innocent, but all it does was remind me.

Reminded me that I was ~~**stupid**~~

Reminded me that I was ~~**unneeded**~~

Reminded me that I was ~~**afraid**~~

Reminded me that I was ~~**the cause of everything wrong about anything**~~

~~ **I disappointed everyone.** ~~

 

They don't know it yet, but I did.

I felt stinging tears in my eyes as I look at the photo. ~~I need to leave. I need to stop. I need to stop wasting their time and leave. More ways than one.~~

 

I carefully placed the still sleeping Monika on the table along with Yuri's tea and teacakes she made for us three. I plan to throw them up along with all the other stuff that didn't belong, I don't deserve Yuri's love and compassion through her cooking.

Monika thankfully didn't wake, which means one person off my case. I then walked to the entrance and watched bright golden sunshine shine through the window. I used to be that sunshine.

I felt more tears threatening my eyes. ~~I need to leave before I make matters worse. I need to leave before I quickly made myself more of a bother.~~ I quickly put on my shoes on and grab my bags.

"Hey," A voice behind me says quietly, careful to not awaken the sleeping Monika. "Where do you think you are going?" I wiped my ~~pathetic~~ eyes and looked back to Natsuki. Yuri was with her, standing behind me, a concerned look in her voice. Natsuki was trying to hide hers.

"Home," I say. I'm done with trying to be fake all the time.

She looked surprised at my sudden change of tone. Yuri does too."What about the sleepover stupid?! It's not finished yet!"

Yuri spoke up. "Sayori, what's wrong?"

"Look, I have stuff I need to do. Tell Monika I left, I'll be back at school if you need me. Lock the door when I leave." My voice has officially been drained of life.

"But-" Natsuki and Yuri try to say at once. 

"See you" I flashed a weak smile and closed the door. 

* * *

 

 

I slammed the door as soon as I entered the house. The whole room shakes. My slam reminds me about how mean I treated Yuri and Natsuki. ~~Why am I being such a prick?~~

It's not like Yuri and Natsuki meant to send that photo with the intent of hurting me. It was a cute and innocent picture. Still...

I slam my head on the door, ~~I deserve more.~~

~~ **Why was I so curious if what was up that cabinet? I should have minded my god-damn business.** ~~

Another slam. My head throbbed while my vision blurs by my ugly reused tears. **~~I deserve it. I deserve more.~~**

**~~ Why did I scream? I could have stayed silent. Stayed with my own pain. I don't need anybody to share it too! ~~ **

Another slam. My head spins and I suddenly feel the cold bare floor. Warm blood trickles on that floor. **~~I... Deserve..... More.....~~**

I navigate my way to the bathroom. I was wobbling by unable to fully to see because of tears, blood, and the spinning. I looked like a drunk. ~~It suits me since I already act like one.~~ I looked at the toilet.

It was time.

~~I shouldn't have gone to that sleepover. I shouldn't have gone to the literature club. I shouldn't have gone to that school. I shouldn't have been born!~~

**~~I don't deserve it. I only deserve pain. I. Only. Deserve. Pain~~ **

I looked at my index finger. ~~Stupid~~ tears flow down my face.

_What am I doing to myself! I don't want th ** ~~-~~**_

#  ~~ I WILL ONLY DESERVE **PAIN**! ~~

And then I threw up everything that never belonged. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry-
> 
> (Updated 5/23/18)


	11. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A aftermath occurs

The light softly illumantes my face as I scroll through the contents in it. The rest of the room, house in that manner, is filled with darkness. Darkness and silence. Too much darkness and silence. It's enough to make my thoughts louder and darker. They get worse during the night time.

To get my mind off things, I decided to play music on my earbuds. I was scrolling through happy and upbeat music but most of the songs were too upbeat. Almost like they were faking being upbeat.

...

~~ Wow! Another "weird thought" point for me. I'm so happy. ~~

I finally found one. It was called Kimi To Mita Sora No Uta. It was certainly upbeat with sad lyrics if you think about them that much. I guess I can listen to it without cringing or crying.

I leaned back in my chair as the music gently flows through my light pink earbuds. I sigh. I should buy new ones. I don't want to embarrass myself for being to childish. It's one of the reasons why I am annoying. ~~It's one of the reasons why I should kill myself.~~

Why would I think that?! I don't want to leave my friends behind. I mean, I think I dont. They are a main reasons why I am still here. If I didn't have them, the literature club, I would have done it way earlier.

But lately I feel like I am becoming selfish with the literature club. I feel like I am smooching off their love and support like it's no big deal. _It is_ a big deal. And they are getting more mad because I am getting more comfortable with them. ~~Their love is nothing to take for granted. **Their love will go away with time. Why won't I get that in my head?!**~~

~~**WHY WONT I?!** ~~

I paused the song, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. One by one, I plucked the earbuds out of my ears. There's a pit in my stomach. A large dark pit of ~~regrets and selfishness and foolishness~~. It's sickly!

I wobbled into the kitchen, looking for a cup. I guess water can fix this. ~~Nothing can fix you.~~ I looked in the first cabinet, nothing. The second, nothing. The third, nothing. I sigh, this is pointless! I already checked three and there's nothing in it! Why do I even try! 

There's four left, I need to try.

I tried. Four, five, and six have nothing valuable, for me at least. Seven was unchecked, since it's higher than all of the others, in the top center of Monika's sink. On one of it's beige handles a lock sits, dangling from the cabinet. A sliver chain dangles from the other handle.

Is Monika hiding something in there? Liquor, maybe? No, no, Monika tends to stay away from drinks... What could it be? I quickly look for a chair I can pull. It wouldnt be too bad too see what's inside it..

**~~ It's a invasion on privacy, dimbo. ~~ **

_But still, Monika never hides anything from us.._

~~**She hides that she hates you.** ~~

I _.. that's not true.._

~~ **Yes it is. You saw it yourself. Everyone hates you.** ~~

I bit my lip. The thoughts have caught me in a corner. Still, I slowly push the chair with all my might, it wasn't that much. After alot of time, I have pushed the chair in the cabinet's direction. Now, I can get up on the chair and see what's inside. 

But I don't.

I still am **~~afraid~~**. What if Monika hates me after this? ~~S ~~he~~ already does~~. What if it's something I don't want to see? I slowly stood on the chair. ~~**If only I brought a rope, I can hang myself from here.**~~

I brushed off the weird thought. I wasn't actually thinking that.. It was just lost of sleep...

I looked at the cabinet one final time. It was probably a liquor cabinet, what else would she hide?! I thought of something. Maybe it was our treats!! That would probably explain them being magically missing!! I smiled. It will surprise Monika that I figured out where she stashed our stuff. It would be funny.

I opened the cabinet doors and saw them. All of them. My smile fell.

 

 

 

 

# M̷̡͚̟̳͕͓̼̞͍̩̳̙̘̣͂͌̊͌̍̕̚̕o̶̡͎͚̙̼͇̦̦̒́̐̑̍͋̿̀͐̊̚ͅn̸̨̨͚̼̲̼̘͚̤̣̾ͅi̶͔̗͍͂͊͒̇̇͋̐k̵̡̛̼̜̺͉͐̾̃̓͐͊̈́͜ͅa̴̧̨̺̠̣̓͆̈̒͗͘ͅ'̶̙̲́͒̔̍̉̇̒͆̂̄̈́̏̕ş̴̪̣̣̳̰̪̪̟͕͙̺̫̑͊́̽̐̑̄̑̾̉̆͝ ̵̨̣͓̬̫̣̤̖̳̋͛̿̎͜M̷̨͙̥̄̆͌̑̈́̉͌ẽ̸͖̖͉̺̫̱̉̆͗̍̽͆́̇͗͘̕͝d̷̨̨̬̳͕̮̩̩͍̘̮͑̕͘ǐ̶̡̛̗͉̱̜̗͈̘͚͓̙̇͌͂͠ç̷͍̝͕͉̼͍̻̭͓͔̺̐̀͐͛͑͐͒̇̋̈̾̐̿͝͝į̵̯̮̖̳͇̹̞̬͉̺͇͈̮̥́͂͑̓͋̒̕͠n̸̢̡͚̭̘̩͙̠̣̭̪̮͖͗̃̏̈̉̎e̸͕̋̌̇͆͐̆͆̃͝

 

 

 

* * *

 

I awaken curled up on my bathroom floor in a cold sweat. My pajamas are very dirty, exhibiting blood, sweat and lots of tears. My bow is dirty too, covered in blood. It stinks and my head hurts to move. I sigh.

I slowly and surely, I started to get up. My head hurts but I pushed through. I looked in the mirror and saw myself. Disgusting pink hair that accompanied my red blood ridden bow. A small red spot on my head has the most blood on it, but it has already stopped bleeding and the blood has crusted up. A bruise is underneath it.

I won't look at my dull tired eyes.

Blood is on my face. It hurts and looks like it will be a pain to clean. I did this to myself, and this is a punishment. It was time to clean.

 I probably blacked out during the "event". I was too weak. I am always too weak. 

I looked at my surrounds. Blood, tears, the nasty fluid in the toilet. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I don't want to throw up anymore. I don't want these thoughts anymore. I will do anything to make them go away!

~~ **Anything!** ~~

And that's when I decided that I was going to buy a rope on the weekend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5/27/18


	12. Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori plans for something big

Monika's medicine. All in transparent orange bottles. The bottles have little labels on them. They circle the whole bottle, almost like they were hugging it. I grabbed a random bottle. I tried to read the label but it was too hard to understand. ~~Why am I so dumb?~~

I unscrewed the lid. This house is too quiet, the only noise I could hear was static. Loud static. It hurts. However, the static ends when I saw the contents inside. Lots of round white pills.

~~ **MAYBE I SHOULD OVERDOSE ON THESE! THEY ARE RIGHT THERE, AND NOTHING IS STOPPING ME. MAYBE, I CAN FINALLY MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY!** ~~

I screwed the cap on and slammed the cabinets door, panting heavily. No, I can't now. It's the wrong place and the wrong time. I don't want the first thing my friends see is my **~~worthless~~** dead body.

 

~~I looked back at the cabinet. I do want to die, though.~~

* * *

 

I gently shake my head. ~~Yep, not the event I want to think about right now, Stupid.~~ It's now Friday, a day after I decided to kill myself. I became a lot calmer about the situation. Plus, I have planned lots.

**I am going to end my life tomorrow.**

It's simple. It's not a school day, so nobody will be suspicious. Plus, I might get all the supplies that day, since it's a weekend. I sigh, waiting for class to be over. I know, deep inside, I am only waiting until tomorrow because I want the literature club to be in less pain as possible. I don't want them to be ~~happy~~ sad because of my loss. **~~They won't.~~**

I also planned suicide notes. One for Natsuki, one for Yuri, one for Monika, and one for the world. Those three were the only ones who cared for me or at least faked it enough. And, I want to say something to the world before I go. How cruel it is. How hard it was to even live one day. I want it to apologize for me, to everyone who had fallen like me, and the few who survived.

~~I shouldn't blame the world. It was **my** fault. **I** was the one who jumped into this mess. ~~

"-yori? We should get going" I jumped into reality. Natsuki was shaking my shoulder, tapping her foot. She looked slightly pissed. No one else was in the room.  ~~Do I really need to be **babied**? Do I really need to be waken up **every** class?~~

"Yep, we should! Ehehe!"

I wish Saturday was here already. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5/27/18


	13. Poem Sharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori shares poems with Monika

When we got in the clubroom, both Monika and Yuri was there. Monika was dealing with paperwork on the teacher's desk. She was frustrated, tugging her hair as she tried to think. She was trying to figure out the piles of papers on the desk.

I guess she forgot her medication again.

I looked over to Yuri. She was sitting cross-legged on one of the desks, reading The Portrait of Markov again. She seems pretty interested in it, her eyes gently but quickly skimming over the words. 

I guess I held up Natsuki long enough to be late. ~~**What a disgrace I am.**~~

Monika looks up from her work and her face ~~darkens~~ lightens. "Sayori! You're here!" She walks up to me, the frustration magically gone, "I never really saw you yesterday. When I had awoken, Natsuki and Yuri told me you left unexpectedly." She looks at the two girls smiling softly. "They told me you would be at school yesterday, but we never saw you."

"Ehehe, something came up. I thought I could make it in time for school. I'm sorry" That was half true. I thought I would come back to school, but I blacked out. Plus, blood is _impossible_ to clean from carpets.

I liked my bathroom carpet to ~~o I don't deserve **anything**. ~~

"We missed you" Monika slowly and quietly says, her face serious. ~~That's a lie~~. "Is something still up? I thought you had it covered, you told me. Wednesday night." I shivered, I still don't want to remember that night. 

"I'm okay Monika! It wasn't even about that!" I say, trying my hardest to not spill while Monika inspects me closer. She has been doing that ever since that night. ** ~~Ever since I lied to her~~**

"You can tell me if you get stressed up again. I'll be happy to help. _We'll_ be happy to help" Monika smiles hesitantly. I can tell she's anxious to do this. She doesn't know what to do. Very soon, I'll remove her burden of me. 

~~ **She only has to wait one day** ~~

"I will" I ~~lied~~. If I started to tell her, I'm sure she will ~~hate me more~~. "But only if you tell me when you are having problems too" 

"Of course!" Her voice higher and lighter since our " ~~agreement~~ ", from her perspective anyway. "Hey, since your already here, want to read my poem?" She holds out a lined piece of paper, words scribbled into it.

"Wait! Are we supposed to have poems! I never brought any with me! No one ever told me!" I whine. **~~I am too annoying for even myself to take. I cringe in my mind.~~**

"Nah, it's cool. However, I expect a poem at the festival!" She smirked.

"Will do!" **~~Another lie~~**. I'll be ~~**dead**~~. I grabbed the poem from her and started reading. Her handwriting was neat and pretty.

 

**The Lady Who Knows Everything**

 

 

 

> _An old tale tells of a lady who wanders Earth._  
>  _The Lady who Knows Everything._  
>  _A beautiful lady who has found every answer,_  
>  _All meaning,_  
>  _All purpose,_  
>  _And all that was ever sought._
> 
> _And here I am,_
> 
> _a feather_
> 
> _Lost adrift the sky, victim of the currents of the wind._
> 
> _Day after day, I search._  
>  _I search with little hope, knowing legends don't exist._  
>  _But when all else has failed me,_  
>  _When all others have turned away,_  
>  _The legend is all that remains – the last dim star glimmering in the twilit sky._
> 
> _Until one day, the wind ceases to blow._  
>  _I fall._  
>  _And I fall and fall, and fall even more._  
>  _Gentle as a feather._  
>  _A dry quill, expressionless._
> 
> _But a hand catches me, between the thumb and forefinger._  
>  _The hand of a beautiful lady._  
>  _I look at her eyes and find no end to her gaze._
> 
> _The Lady who Knows Everything knows what I am thinking._  
>  _Before I can speak, she responds in a hollow voice._  
>  _"I have found every answer, all of which amount to nothing._  
>  _There is no meaning._  
>  _There is no purpose._  
>  _And we seek only the impossible._  
>  _I am not your legend._  
>  _Your legend does not exist."_
> 
> _And with a breath, she blows me back afloat, and I pick up a gust of wind._

 

"I liked your poem, Monika. I love the dark symbolism in it. How that sometimes, things are meant to be impossible." **~~I'm probably wrong. I am too dense to grab the meaning of this powerful, powerful poem.~~**

However, I think about how this poem relates to me. That the lady is my thoughts, the rainclouds. When I at my low, they make me lower, and then they expect me to move on! I used to think, ~~**h** ** ~~ow~~ am I supposed to do that?!**~~

I now know the answer,

**I don't.**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5/27/18


	14. Weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weekend's almost here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School started again so chapters will be posting slower from now on. Bleh.

I have read everyone's poem by the time Monika is ready to make an announcement. Everyone's poem was amazing, it's pure talent for them to make such splendid poems. However, they look ~~disgusted~~  disappointed because I didn't have a poem. It's my fault, after all, I should of have kept up. I should of told them what were we doing today. I've should have planned better. It's all because of this **~~stupid suicide!~~**

 ~~~~"Okay, Everyone!" Monika begins. I perked up. "I realized that we aren't really ready for the festival yet... So I thought we could work on the weekends" The weekends?! My plans! What will I do? Maybe I can get the items earlier, lock the door, do the deed, and then the officials will see me. ~~Or better yet, I'll be left to rot!~~ But it might take a long time, and I won't know when's Monika's coming...

Maybe the evening then? Ugh, but I won't know when's Monika's is leaving either, and the stores might be closed! I sigh, who would know killing yourself is this difficult!

"Is everyone okay with that?" Monika says. I would raise my hand to interject, but I feel a slight pain in my heart. Is it sadness? I would admit that I would be sad to not see Monika at the weekend, especially since I'm killing myself.

**~~I don't deserve her! She doesn't care!~~ **

_Just this once, please! I want to be like the other children, and be selfish. Just this once!_

I pushed my rainclouds away and didn't raise my shaking hand. I felt guilty and selfish for doing so, and it almost took all of my efforts, but I really want to be with Monika. Even if my plans are going to be interrupted. ~~Even if I have to wait another day.~~

I looked at Natsuki and Yuri to get my mind off it. They also didn't have a problem with it, they almost looked like they are excited to have the weekend with each other. Yuri was hiding her smiling face with a book, and Natsuki, as usual, was pulling off her signature tough character. However, even she wasn't able to control the milliseconds when she did show a flustered smile. 

I enjoyed Natsuki's and Yuri's relationship. At the beginning of the literature club, their relationship wasn't really the nicest. There were fights all the time, silent bickering in the classes they did spent together, some walkouts and some drama. It was every day. Monika and I were always trying to make them friends, but they kept on fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting, every day for weeks on end! And then, suddenly, it calmed down.

Sure, they still fight, even now, but they don't fight every day. They even hanged out together and enjoyed it. I still wonder what could have caused it. I can't deny I'm not thankful for it.

~~ **Nobody would enjoy talking to me.** ~~

"Okay!" Monika concludes. "Don't forget to write your poems for the festival! It is very important. Club adjoined!" Everyone started to pack their stuff except for Monika, who sat down to work on some more paperwork, for the festival I think. **~~Who cares about my thoughts!?~~** It must be hard trying to convince the school board to give the club a chance to be in the festival. We aren't even official yet.

~~ It's your fault for not convincing enough people. You're too **pathetic**. ~~

After I get my bags, I run over to Natsuki and give her my biggest hug, lifting her off the ground. I won't be seeing her over the weekend. This will be the last time I will be seeing her, forever. I almost want to cry. I will miss her so much. She is my best friend! 

"Ahh- Sayori what are you doing?! Put me down now!" Natsuki squeals. I guess I didn't warn her, **~~pathetic~~**! Yuri chuckles at the sight evolving near her. I think about the situation and laugh too. It felt good to laugh when you just spent hours upon hours crying. ~~Even if it's fake.~~

I hugged Yuri with the same strength but didn't have any effect on her. She merely pats my head. It felt really good ~~you don't deserve it!~~ "I will miss you guys!" I cried, some parts muffled by my hug from Yuri. 

"Don't worry, it's only a weekend. We'll be back Monday!" Yuri reassures in her gentle warm voice. ~~If only that was true~~. Yuri turns to the working Monika and chuckles slightly. "You have Monika with you. She's one of a kind." 

And as I saw Monika, her hair slightly fizzed out because of her pulling it. Her hands quickly writing, checking, repeating. Her eyes simply glazing over each paper, skimming it slowly. I agree with Yuri, she's one of a kind I might say, a perfect club president by day, but a regular kid by night. Not many people can do that, I can tell. She's amazing. 

As if on cue, Monika looks up from her disorganized pile of papers and smiles. She smiles like the world is calm and quiet, but in reality, she has a massive pile of paperwork due by Monday morning and she's working like crazy. She's smiles like a student in grade school would have smiled, no cares in the world, but we are almost adults with huge amounts of responsibility. She smiles like everyone's is fine and dainty, but even she hides her medication in the hidden cabinets. Monika's amazing.

~~However, I don't deserve her. I don't deserve Yuri. I don't deserve Natsuki. I deserve anything! That's why I'm killing myself. It's the only thing I deserve. It's the only thing I need. **Anything else is out of my range! Everyone else is out of my range! I'm drowning by myself with nothing!**~~

##  ~~SO GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER AND REALIZE WHAT SOCIETY HAS TOLD YOU EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST EIGHTEEN YEARS,~~

#  ** ~~KILL YOURSELF! NOBODY WILL FUCKING CARE!~~ **

#  ** ~~NOBODY WILL EVEN BLINK A DAMN EYE.~~ **

 

 

 

 

 

##  _GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN HEAD BEFORE I DO SOMETHING I WILL REGRET!_

 

* * *

 

I gasped, breathing out a large amount of air I didn't know I was holding. The literature club was back, I wasn't drowning in darkness anymore. I suddenly looked around, looking for a sign that this wasn't to a daydream. Yuri was by my side, her hand rubbing circles on my back, to calm me down maybe. Her face was back to her ~~disgusted~~ worried face. Her lips were making out something, I didn't care.

Natsuki finally lets her guard down, her light pink eyes glowing with ~~disappointed~~ worry. She has sweat piling up on her forehead, another sign of ~~disappointment~~ worry. Guilt swells up in my chest. ~~Why did I have to zone out~~ ~~now?~~

Monika was not focusing her attention on her work anymore. She was looking at me, staring with her emerald green eyes. They were filled with pure sadness. ~~I'm hurting her again. I really did this time! I promised myself not to after Wednesday night. **I failed myself again.**~~

We stood in silence in of what seems like hours that is only really a couple of minutes. Nothing moves except the quiet breathing not all four of us and the back circles Yuri was still making. Natsuki was the one who broke the awkward silence. "Sayori? Are you sure you're doing okay?" She asked silently, her voice high pitched and was trembling.

A moment of silence before I answered again. "I'm okay, like always ehehe.." my laugh falls flat to the everlasting quiet.

"Are you sure? You were looking very scary. You kept on mumbling something, then yelling super loud, shaking a lot."

I opened my mouth but closed it since of the lack of input I can come back with.

Yuri chose this opportunity to jump in. "You wasn't okay, we saw that already." She pauses to calm down her stern, strict voice. "What's wrong Sayori?" ~~Why did I make them worry?~~

I was so close to the weekend too. "I'm fine! Let's just go ho-" 

"No" Monika interrupts, her voice gently cuts through the quiet static in my mind like butter. "You're _at least_ going to get some rest before we go. And you _will_ tell us what's happening." She points towards a couch near the closet as the others nod. Seeing like I have no other choice, I lay down on the couch, my eyes gazed at the bare ceiling.

Time flies by that I was alone with my thoughts, rain clouds, and the never-ending regrets. I am tired of being alone with my thoughts. They always hurt me. They won't ever stop hurting me. I hope this helps before I do something really bad. Maybe in my case, it's not really bad. Maybe in my case, the recommended option is to die.

I'm tired of thinking. My heavy eyes finally flutter shut before I am left in darkness once again. Not in fear, not in cold, not in sadness.

But finally, in pure dark bliss.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1000 hits yay!
> 
> (Updated 5/27/18)
> 
> Updated Authors Note: This was easily one of my favorite chapters to write along with The Blooming Flowers, Free, and Fiction and Nonfiction


	15. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika, Natsuki, and Yuri waits for Sayori to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 10,000 words!

**Yuri's POV**

 

 

We all show physical signs of relief when Sayori started quietly snoring. She was on a red couch which wasn't too fancy, it was a few years old. Still stuck with stains from our memories. We still didn't care. I think Sayori doesn't care either. 

Silence fills the room before I heard a sigh and some squeaking from behind me. Turns out to be Natsuki silently sitting in a chair near me, her eyes full of concern, for once. "You guys?" She silently asked. "Do you think... she'll be okay?"

I turned to her, surprised by her nervousness. I then figured out I am too, in fact, nervous for Sayori. "We have to wait to know for sure," I responded. She nods, seemingly understanding my response to my worried filled face. I turned back to Sayori, silently watching her once again. 

We were back into silence for a long time. We were trying to grasp that this is real. Why was Sayori yelling "Get out of my head!"? What was going on in her head? Why was she trying to hide this from us? I didn't want to pry the poor girl, but I did want answers. I guess I had to wait until Monday.

I thought of something. "Hey, Monika?" I asked. Monika who had her gaze glazed on Sayori gently shifted it towards me. "Make sure Sayori is happy this weekend."

Monika lightens, smiling a small smile. "I will! It's me after all!" she jokes. I laugh lightly, Natsuki smiles behind me.

"But for real though, I will take care of her. It seems like our vice president isn't the best lately.." she smiles sadly but doesn't vanish. 

I sigh, "I wish I knew what's happening" 

"Me too, I guess we have to wait." 

The room fills with silence once again.

* * *

 

We had stood in silence for an hour. I was tired, but I wasn't going to leave my friend. My tiredness was overwhelmed by worry. I did, however, sat down at a desk near Natsuki, who was currently reading a manga. 

It wasn't _too_ inconsiderate of her reading following the past few events. She was still carefully quiet, her only sign of expression was her facial expression, most importantly the eyes. 

Stil,l I was kinda annoyed by it. Doesn't she care about what our friend just did? I brushed the thought off, it was a nonsense thought anyways. I had no evidence what Natsuki was doing was wrong, plus no will to do so. I also don't want to fight again. Our relationship was growing tremendously into a beautiful blossom, I don't want that to wilt because of a fight that stupid.

I looked over to see what was Monika was doing, it was nothing. Her eyes were glazed over Sayori again, watching carefully and closely. She still didn't move from an hour ago. She really must like Sayori, doesn't she? Those two lovebirds make their affection to each so crystal clear, it was like looking through a window. I wonder what's stopping them from becoming girlfriends.

However, for some people, it isn't that easy. It's just like a maze for them. They are lead into different paths, each one a different possibility for a action. Even a small action. It scares them but makes them feel safe since actions determine your future. If you choose a wrong one, it's over, and being lead into these different paths may act as a warning for some. 

I must take these paths seriously. My relationship with Natsuki may be in danger if I only run off my feelings.

I quietly sigh, that doesn't mean my feelings aren't strong thou-

A shriek interrupts my thoughts. I quickly turn around, hoping that it isn't dangerous. It wasn't, but Natsuki was looking at her phone, pale. Her manga was on the floor. I was going to tell her whats wrong, but I am reminded of the environment around us.

"Natsuki-" I begin

"Sorry," Natsuki says, not facing me. "I have to get home quickly, my Papa needs me."

I have heard that Natsuki's Papa was very strict with her. Whenever we bring it up, Natsuki either doesn't answer or say a short answer that doesn't even answer our questions. We learn not to push her with the 'Papa' subject matter. It doesn't connect to her screaming though. 

She packed her books fast and was at the door when I looked up again. "Take care!" I say. Natsuki quickly turns towards me and smiles.

"Take care!" She says before leaving. 

 I sigh, I won't be able to get a hold of Natsuki any time soon. She's going somewhere or doing somewhat. It's physically tiring to keep up with her all the time.

What was the time anyway?

I opened my phone realizing it was late after club time. I quickly got up to get my stuff. "Shall we wake Sayori? The school is closing soon." I say to a silent Monika. I didn't even know Monika was even here.

"No, you go ahead though. I'll convince the teachers to open the school a little longer, _it's me_ you know. Although you seem tired". Monika had a small never-ending smile on her face.

"If it's for a friend, I can stay." I really don't want to leave her alone, alone feels devastating.

"Care for yourself first" Monika says calmly. She then, for the first time in hours, moves from her spot and pushes me to the doorway. "Besides me and Sayori will be fine, I promise!" 

I guess I'm a little clingy for the people I care about. Still, I don't want either Sayori or Monika to get hurt.

"You promise you'll be fine?" I asked once more.

"Pinky swear!" Monika laughed holding out her pinky.

It's a childish thing, but I pinky swore with her. I guess it makes me a little bit better.

I settled myself before preparing to go out of the clubroom, it became darker because of the sun setting, and a little orange tinted. It was really late, wasn't it?

"I'm going now, Monika!" I say, my last goodbye.

"Okay! See you Monday for the festival!" She says back, she's at the teacher's desk again.

"Likewise!" I turned my gaze over to the somehow still sleeping Sayori. "Take care of her, okay?" 

Monika smiles and nods. "I will. There's nothing I can't do!" 

I laughed at her comment and then finally left the clubroom. I am excited about the festival. What will it hold for us all, anyway?

I guess we have to wait and see!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5/27/18


	16. It Will Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika and Sayori relive Wednesday night.

**Sayori ~~POV~~**

 

 ~~~~ ~~~~I liked this darkness. It was welcoming and peaceful, a thing I never felt in a long time. It was silent too, my rainclouds are invisible in this darkness, even disappearing. It was so nice. I've missed this so much, so goddamn much. A break from reality.

However good things must come to an end, I forced myself to part from this sweet darkness. I promised I will come back soon, and I will stay longer. I promised myself that I will stay here, I will have to wait. Soon.

I awoke to the ceiling being covered in a dark navy sky. It has gotten later outside, the birds are hardly chirping anymore and the wind blows slowly. I got up from my position on the couch when I found out that this isn't my couch, this even isn't my house!

"Good morning Sayori!" a voice says, it's voice sweet and tired. I turned to see Monika looking straight at me, a warm smile on her face. Her hair has gotten more tangled but her paperwork is in a neat pile on her desk. "You're finally awake!"

I nodded, still tired. A few hours of sleeping won't energize me, but I feel a bit recharged. It took a few moments to take in what she previously said. "Is it already morning?" 

"Yep," she replies cheerily and walks over to show me the time on her phone, 5:36 am. ~~I wasted hours of her time. How **selfish** was I? ~~

I immediately looked around the room in sudden alarm as the events from yesterday hit me. "Where's Natsuki and Yuri?" 

"Oh, Natsuki had to go home earlier, I had to force Yuri to leave" Monika nonchalantly says, twirling her favorite pink pen she was holding. She does that sometimes without noticing. It was a cute habit. ~~Unlike mine.~~

 ~~At least I didn't waste as much of Natsuki's and Yuri's time.~~ I'm glad something else was occupying their time. Time is valuable and fragile, it's can be wasted in seconds. I don't want to **~~spoil~~** something so beautiful.

"Why didn't you leave?"

Monika chuckles, "Well, I didn't want to leave you!" ~~What a dummy I am~~. I laugh too. It was fake, but Monika luckily didn't notice.

"Then why are we at the school?" 

"I didn't want to wake you, so I decided to stay here. Plus, we can leave whenever we want, I have a key!" Monika puts down her pen she was playing with and twirls a pair of keys on her finger. 

"How did you get those," I say, sitting myself down.

"Oh I have connections," she says, winking playfully at me. I laugh back. 

Monika sits down on the couch I was laying on. It was dirty from the times they used it and ~~I wrecked it~~. She deserves much more than this.

"So.. How are you doing.. with 'that'?" Monika brings up, her voice suddenly turning shy. She's anxious to do this, I don't blame her. Who wouldn't be anxious, I'm a wreck. 

"It's okay! It hasn't bothered me as much!" A lie. 

She quickly notices. "You're not." I sigh, ~~if you're going to lie at least lie decently.~~

She doesn't even know the half of it. ~~This whole conversation was built on a **lie**. ~~

* * *

 

I sat on Monika's chair, the counter was still in reach. Why was she hiding pills anyway? I thought it was an illness but Monika doesn't show signs for any. She doesn't show anything. Monika's perfect. Stating this fact made me start to get worried. So, what is it? 

Is she terminally ill in the long run? Is she mentally ill? I sigh, there was no way to learn for sure, except for trying to read the labels again. I open the cabinet again and take a different orange bottle, ~~trying to resist the urge to open the cap and end my misery for good.~~

Before I figured out what the pills are for, I heard slight squeaking from the loosened floorboards. I couldn't know where it was coming from, but it was coming close! 

I put the pill bottle away and closed the cabinet quietly so nobody could hear. Then, I fell off the chair, forgetting the height. I quietly ached the pain and then hid, remembering the situation. I had no time to put the chair back in its spot, so it sits in the front of the time.

~~**Stupid me, why am I so butthurt. ** ~~

The footsteps got louder when they squeaked on the stairs but nevertheless was still quiet enough to awake the others. I sweated in my hiding place, which was underneath the table. I was stupid enough to hide underneath the table when I heard the footsteps. 

~~**Why are you so dumb! You could of at least pretended to sleep.** ~~

_Please... Now's not the time_

~~**'Now's not the time?' Your speaking like you can control it** ~~

_You're are technically apart of me, I can control it, I think_

~~**Haha! You think~ You're so weak that you can't even control yourself!** ~~

My chest began to sting as I felt tears in my eyes. Come on, I can hang on for a few minutes!

~~**I am here to keep you in check after all! To make sure your shitty self gets what you deserve.** ~~

_....what's that?_

~~ **Nothing!** ~~

The voice in my head crackles, making my head hurt. I grabbed it to shake it. _Please work..._

It didn't. 

_Please get out of my head_

The laughing continues louder, constant regrets ring in my head. 

_...Get out of my head._

It only gets worse. My thoughts ring throughout my head, making it unable to hear anything. The laughing won't stop. It laughs at my suffering, my hurt, my regrets.

**It sounds like everyone who was in my life, laughing at my pain.**

**Three friends stood out the most.**

 

~~**It won't stop, it will not stop unless you kill yourself** ~~

"GET OUT!" 

Then all the voices, all the laughter, and all the thoughts stop in time to hear an orange bottle full of pills fall on the floor and a teary eye Monika staring in disbelief at me. 

* * *

Monika looks at me sadly, I think she remembered it too. Wednesday night, the time when I found out Monika had anxiety. She wanted to be perfect. Being anything but is unacceptable for her. She had constant anxiety about it, being popular wasn't helping either. Last summer she got meds for it, she says it helps but it panic attacks still happen. 

Monika was going to tell us after the festival, but I found out earlier.

It was the first time I saw Monika weak. I thought it just still didn't exist but it happens more times than I can think. She told me not to feel guilty, but I do.

~~**It was my fault that she had to tell me early.** ~~

~~**It was my fault that she was hurting but I didn't help her.** ~~

~~**It was my fault that she had a panic attack in the living room in her own house, because of me.** ~~

**~~Why was I curious about what was up there?~~ **

**Why did I spend so much time there?**

**Why did I touch her stuff?**

**Why did I become weak in front of her?**

**Why did I lie to her about my depression?**

~~ **S** ~~

~~ **H** ~~

~~ **E** ~~

~~ **W** ~~

~~ **H** ~~

~~ **A** ~~

~~ **T** ~~

~~ **E** ~~

~~ **S** ~~

~~ **H** ~~

~~ **M** ~~

~~ **E** ~~

~~ **Y** ~~

 

 

 

 

I felt Monika put her hand on my shoulder. She blushes as the result of not doing this before but doesn't remove her hand. Her eyes were full of tears, one even slipped. However, despite her worn downstate, she hugs me tightly while whispering something over and over near my ear. 

##  _"It will be okay"_

It's not okay, I lied to her. I told her that my depression was just 'stress'. I told her that I only developed it during the festival when it was mostly around my whole life. I told her that I will get better but every day is a day closer till I kill myself. I lied to her but she still told her story to me. Monika _trusts_ me. I only ~~lie~~ to her.

~~**I'm a bad friend.** ~~

However, Monika's hugs are the warmest while I am in this cold state. Her simple words spread positivity through me, a thing I had missing for so long. She breathes life into me, even if it's faint and little. It's still there! I would be nothing by now if she wasn't here. I finally gave in to her hug.

I decided to postpone one day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 5/27/18


	17. Finishing A Poster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika and Sayori finish their poster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for over 100 kudos!  
> I never thought I will reach this far, nevertheless less than a month since I posted the first chapters! I am very grateful that you guys like this story!

It's been a little over an hour since Monika was comforting me. We stayed like that for a little while before Monika tried to get something out of me. She kinda succeeded, because I told her that my stress was getting worse. Nothing about my depression. ~~This 'stress' stuff was making me a big enough nuisance anyway, why put depression on top~~. However, if Monika sees it as an achievement, then I'm happy for her.

Monika went a while after looking for supplies for our festival poster. We decided to do one big poster because it would be tiring coping the same design over and over. It wasn't done yet, half of it was colored while the other side was filled with pencil marks and eraser shavings yet to be covered. For the most part, the sketch looked good. 

She had me sit on the red couch, telling me not to worry. I wanted to get supplies with her, but due to my off behavior, she told me to stay. ~~Too weak to do anything, **little bitch**~~. So here I was, sitting cross-legged on the couch, bored as hell. I rubbed my fingers into my palm, giving them something to do, but my mind was unsatisfied. ~~You deserve to be that way.~~

My eyes darted for something to look at, from the teacher's desk, to the beige classroom desks, to the closet where Natsuki puts her manga in and found nothing interesting. Our club space is a bland classroom, after all.

I looked at the red couch I was sitting on. This was the only thing that stands out. Our little cheap red couch. We all got it as a gift for Natsuki when she for her birthday. Yuri actually thought of the idea, saying that Natsuki usually goes there to read manga or sleep. "Wasn't the bare floor too uncomfortable for her?" I remember Yuri saying. 

So we put all of our savings together and bought a cheap couch. We were high school students with no jobs, so we were a little broke. We managed only a measly couple dollars by saving and bundling our money together. ~~I had the lowest amount, I didn't help at all.~~

We were originally targeted for a pink little cute one since Natsuki likes things (as much as she denies it) that are cute and pink. However they didn't have the color of the one that we wanted (or in our price range) in pink, so we got the next best thing, red.

Natsuki enjoyed the couch, using it for everything she does back there. Slowly somehow, it became the literature club's couch. We used it for everything, we still do. I brushed my hand on its red plushy body, I was thinking of getting a new one before I planned to kill myself supposedly today.  

I began to think, is it the wrong idea to kill myself? 

Before I began to answer, Monika came in the vacant clubroom. "Ello! Sorry if I took so long, it was a lot of stuff", she says in quick breathes. Indeed, she was holding a lot of stuff. In her hands was a ruler, markers, construction paper, sharpies, pencils, the sketch, and the poster we almost had done. It was exactly what I envisioned it to be. 

I nudged her when she put all the stuff onto the ground in front of us. " You should have brought me!" I jokily said. Monika laughed and sits on the floor, ready to get to work. 

I sat down next to her, grabbing a marker quickly. "Where did we left off?" I say stretching. 

"Hmm" Monika responds. "Probably over there.." She points to a half colored letter on the word  _Doki._

 

We then finished the poster, chatting away topics that bounced off the wall. The sunlight fills the room, covering up the room in the gentle cover of light. For once, I am not jealous of the sun, I don't even think of it.

"Soooo, did you have any panic attacks in any other sleepovers?" I asked.

Monika stiffens, the question reminding her of her anxiety, but relaxes. "Many times, why you ask?"

"Awwwhhh! Why didn't I catch you earlier!" I whine. ~~I cringe inside, why am I so **annoying**. ~~

Monika, however, didn't catch this. Instead, a sly grin is plastered on her face. "Is it because you sleep like a baby?" 

I jokily gasped loudly, pointing at her. "I do not!" I say.

"Yes, you do~" Monika sings.

I pout, "I will show you then!" I dropped my materials I was using and crawl over to Monika's side. Monika looked amused and curious about what I'll do but still holds the grin. 

"I'll like to see what you do," she says matter of faculty. "It will still never top you being a-"

Monika cuts off, being interrupted by me putting my head in her boobs. I don't know what is this all about. I see that man cannot do it, so I see it as a wonderful opportunity to take to be proved right. However, I can feel Monika heating up. 

Eventually, I lift my head up to meet Monika's, smiling loud and proud. "Now, I put a body part on your breasts. Many men avoid doing this, so that means that I am stronger than them. I am braver than them. And, most importantly I am not a-" 

"Do you know  _why_  a person may do that Sayori?" Monika's head was down, her hair covering her face, but not her blush. 

"Um, no?" I say confused. ~~Why are you so dumb!~~ Monika chuckles. "Hey, what does it means!?" 

"Not telling, you're too pure," Monika says still chuckling. 

"Wh-what! Now you made me interested!" 

"Hehe, guess you have to deal with it" 

I sighed and crawled back to my spot, clearly defeated. Monika laughs while she sees the ~~horrible~~ sight of me crawling. "Come on, we will never get finish if we don't get working!" 

"Yes, Captain!" I say energetically, saluting. We both laugh happily. 

* * *

"Done!" I say. Monika wipes some sweat from her brow and stands up, admiring her creation, I do the same. It was beautiful, everything to the background to the words to the design it was perfect. I loved Monika's decision to put a pen next to the name. I felt it was something empty there for a second. 

As I looked at it closely I saw it was Monika's pen, everything to the color to that cute little heart at the end. She really put out a lot of effort into it. I read the description once again, seeing any past mistakes. I'm very proud of it, I made it myself. ~~Nobody else will like it.~~

I hold out a sharpie, "Monika?"

"Hmm?" She says, she's too interested in the poster to face me. ~~I don't blame her.~~

"Want to sign it?" I say, holding out the sharpie to her. 

"Really, I thought you were going to," she says hesitantly. 

"Everyone is going to, we are all club members after all!" 

Monika looks at me and chuckles. "Sure!" She takes the pen and gently writes her name.

 

#  _Doki Doki Literature Club!_

##  _ Looking for members _

 

_**Welcome to the literature club!** _

_**We are a club that loves all types of literature, from books to graphic novels to even manga! We have it all!** _

_**If you have a love of literature of any sort, come here! We will be happy to have you!** _

_**The literature club meets every day after school for two hours.** _

_**See you there!** _

_**Sayori, Monika,** _

 

"I guess the others will sign it Monday," Monika says. I nod, still looking down at the poster. 

~~She did it all, you weren't any help.~~

Monika looks at her phone, checking the time as she raised an eyebrow. "There's still more time till it gets dark, want to go somewhere?" 

"Hmm? Depends on where you want to go" I say. I have my own ideas, but ~~they **don't matter** anyway. ~~

"How about a cafe?" Monika says looking at me. She knows I love them. It's true. A cafe is a sweet-filled paradise~! 

"A cafe?!" I squeal, too excited for my own good. "Really?" 

"Yea, apparently there's a new one down the street!" Monika chuckles. 

"Let's go!" I rushed getting my bags before releasing I had to put the poster away. 

Monika chuckles, "Help me with this first." 

I pout, "Fine."

We put our poster away before getting our bags and leaving the school happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> However.. both school testing and my birthday is this and next week so this might be one of the few chapters I will post in the next to weeks. But assure you, I will not abandon this fanfic. 
> 
> Just a little bittersweet hiatus ;)
> 
> (Updated 5/27/18


	18. Sunsets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika and Sayori watch a sunset.

After a half hour, Monika and I walked out of the café. I was happily sipping my third mocha, heavily sweetened. It tasted like heaven. I skip towards my house, clearly happy, at least looking like it. Monika was tagging along behind me holding her half-full coffee in her hands. She holds it near her body, trying to warm herself from the cold night.    
  
The sky was dark purple now. Transparent thin clouds glazed over the sky.  The sun was gone, shining its was last moments beautifully and full.  It was so pretty. I stopped to look at it fully. The sunset made me think.  Sometimes the world is really beautiful.  
  
It has its dark moments sometimes. It fills like the world is just a dark void most days. That the world is just a terrible place where only darkness exists and it's only made to torture me, to hurt me, and to kill me. However sometimes, some rare times, there is color in the world. Bright and beautiful and clear. I remember that the world is always like this. The darkness is just my mind.    
  
~~Why am I so selfish!? Why do I blame the world for my own troubles!?~~  
  
~~I don't deserve this sunset. I don't deserve the color filled world. Why do I even stay? Why didn't I die today?!~~

  
I snapped back and looked at Monika. She was too, looking at the sunset.  The cold from earlier picked up, creating a breeze. It gently flowed through Monika's ponytail, waving it side to side. A smile was planted upon her lips, a shine to her eyes. She was, again, absolutely beautiful.    
  
She seemed to snap back to reality after a few moments. She was slightly shocked to daydream for so long but she calms down and calmly looks towards me, and back towards the setting sky.  
  
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Monika's says, escaping a sigh.    
  
"Yeah, it is," I agreed.  
  
"It made me regret not seeing these other days. This happens every day, but this is one of the rare times I ever thought of it deeply like this, you know. "  
  
"At least it happens every day. If we don't have time to enjoy it one day, we can enjoy it the next!"I don't believe my words. I don't even recur saying them.    
  
Monika laughs and goes completely silent. "That is what I love about you."    
  
I looked at her and her eyes were glazed at me. She was serious, her eyes gentle yet piercing.    
  
We stared at each other for some moments before Monika snaps out of her daydream state again.    
  
She gets flustered and turns to the other side. I can feel her heat from here.  She shakes while getting herself together, as a result of anxiety.  I was about to call out for her when she turns around.    
  
"I'm sorry" Monika goes quietly." I guess I'm just tired. It's been a long day after all. "  

~~Why are you so stupid! She doesn't need to be apologizing, it's you!~~

  
"It's okay,"  I say.  "I guess I'm tired too." I assume she didn't have much sleep in the classroom, the desks are too uncomfortable. "You can rest in my house, if you want."    
  
"Oh really?" Monika perks up. "Thank you!"  
  
"Ehehe, no problem!" I tapped my fingers together, an annoying habit.    
  
I looked one last time at the sunset, which was now just a blanket of purple and black, and then walked towards my house.

* * *

 

I squinted at the sudden overwhelming bright light from the convenience store. It was a contrast from the darkness I was walking in coming here, and the darkness in my house. I remember why I was coming here, and stumbled to the aisles.

My mind ached. It was full of screaming mixed in with laughing. A whisper of dark things in my ear. I bit my lip, trying not to scream from this unbearable tune. I pull down my winter hat as down as it could be, trying to be invisible. My mind scoffs from this action. ~~Why are you so ugly? Why are you so worthless? If you want to be invisible, just kill yourself! ~~My hand shakes as it brushes the items in the aisle I came her for. 

Ropes. 

Thick, brown and medium weight. Perfect for a tire swing, or to climb on. 

Or to **~~hang yourself.~~**

I quickly snatched one before my mind goes to even darker places. I'm doing this for it, why won't it shut up and be thankful. 

I got other random stuff to cover up that I will only be using a rope. I don't need anyone else on my case now. Luckily, my plan was a success and the cashier didn't notice. ~~You're so **pathetic**! Why are you so **afraid**~~?

The cashier complemented my hat I was wearing. I didn't respond.

I didn't want to lie to myself as much as I already am. 

With a white bag with the words "Thank You For Shopping" on my shoulder, I went to my next store, a convenience store. I shopped for a notepad, a fancy one with designs of gray flowers intertwining with each other on the side. I wanted to make sure that my last notes to them are perfect and clean. Not just something written hastily and quickly. They won't even care. They will probably burn it to celebrate. I push with all of my effort with each step, got the remaining stuff that I need, and went out. 

The cold rushed through my hair. I considered killing myself outside, alone, like I was supposed to be all my life. I realized that I am just being selfish again and that many people will be traumatized if they saw a handing body outside. I would like to hurt less people as possible. The reason I doing this is for them, after all. 

I rushed into the dark house against the howling wind outside. The warm house was able to melt the cold feeling I was having, but my heart still remained frozen and trapped. 

I rushed in my room before Monika could say anything if she was awake in the guest bedroom. I felt like talking to no one now, ~~I am not worthy to talk to no one now~~. The screaming inside my head are racing, I want to throw up, but Monika is in the other room. I tried to calm down my shaking index finger.

I plopped down the bags on my bed and picked up the rope, staring at its braided pattern. I realized the reality of the situation, which hits me like a brick. I dropped the rope on to the floor. 

~~What are you doing! You're so close!~~

_I don't want to do this! I don't want to leave them!_

~~They don't care for you! They wished you were dead! Why not make the wish come true!~~

_ I don't want to give up now! Maybe there's some other chance- _

~~There's **nothing** for you here! Life is **hell**! **Kill yourself!**~~

My mind chants those sentences over and over, so loudly that I can't even respond. Despite my urges, I kicked the rope to my closet and closed the door. I slowly collapse in front of the door, pushing the already closed-door to fight the growing urge in my body. 

My burning tears hit the floor. My messy hair is coming more undone. My lips move gently with whispers pleading to stop. My body trembles with an urge.

Why live in a colorful world but your mind is making you see only darkness? Isn't that the same living in a colorless world?


	19. A Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After breakfast, Monika plans a little something for Sayori.

I tense as I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I haven't slept at all, tiredness still in my eyes. ~~Stayed up because of your small fears, pathetic. It's not too late to~~

After relaxing the growing aches on my body created by pushing an already closed-door all night, I tried to rub it out before going unlocking the door. It unsuccessfully works, seeing the frown on Monika's face. She wasn't wearing her large white bow, usually perched on its rightful spot. In fact, she wasn't wearing her school uniform either-

Oh.

Oh god. 

"M-Moni," I sputter, barely getting the words out. My blush spreads across my face like a raging wildfire.  ~~I curse myself for being so embarrassing~~. "Y-your clothes."

Her frown turns into confusion and then looks at her almost naked body. "Oh yeah, I forgot my pajamas at my house. The uniform was uncomfortable so I took it off." She looks at me, a smug smile plastered across her lips. "You're okay with me like this," she begins, stepping a bit closer. "Right, Sayori?" 

I choked on my spit. "Right," I say. 

She laughs and takes a step back so that she's in my doorway again. I still blush, backing aware didn't help my  ~~pathetic~~  face flushing. "So," Monika says once her laughter dies down. "Why are you so tired? Surely you got some sleep last night"  ~~I curse myself for **lying**  to her like that~~. She glances at my bed. "You didn't go on a shopping spree in the middle of the night, did you?" She raises an eyebrow. I stood in silence, defeated. It's better thinking it was  _only_ a shopping spree. 

She sighs, the silence has given her an answer. "Sayori, your health is so much important," Monika says quietly. "We will worry so much something happens to you because you neglected it."

"Lies" It was all lies.  ~~ **Everything**  is lies. If it wasn't, why do I still believe them as lies? Why the things I thought were  **truths**  were actually  **lies**. Why do everything I believe in is  **broken**! ~~

"What was that," she asks, making me realize that I said something out loud. 

"Nothing!"

~~I curse myself for **falling apart**  at the seams. ~~

"Anyways, what would you like for breakfast," Monika brings up casually, leaning back into her laid-back mood.

 "What? This is my house!" 

"So? I'm sure you have enough supplies to make at least breakfast. Plus a supermarket is down the street if you don't." 

I stared at her. Why was she doing this for me? I can't accept this,  ~~I **won't**  accept this! She's doing  **too much**. Just for  **me**. Why just for  **little me**?~~

_ Still, it's been an awfully lots of time since I had a decent breakfast. Anything more than a (burnt) toast to keep me alive most days. It will be nice to have a big breakfast.  _

**~~Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.~~ **

#  ~~ **Why do you only care about yourself?!** ~~

"-ri? I can wait until you sleep some more if you like?" I switched out my booming thoughts and looked at Monika again. She was still leaning against my doorway, a concerned look for ~~nothing.~~

"No, I'm fine," I explained, my face hot with the fact she was still only with a bra and some panties in front of my doorway. "Also, I could really with some breakfast! After you get some clothes on!" 

"Aw," Monika says playfully. "I guess we will have a little trip to my place then!" She skips away cheerfully, going to retrieve her uniform. I sigh mostly in relief for being able to last that long without passing out from the lack of blood circulation. However, I looked at the back of the skipping Monika, happily. 

She is so, so beautiful. 

~~I curse myself for **wanting**  her. ~~

After she left, I locked my door again to get ready. I looked in  ~~disgust~~  as I saw the things I bought last night. My notepad, my pen, my envelopes,  ~~my rope~~. I got the two remaining bags and carefully put them in my closet. I also put the  ~~rope~~  in one of the bags, I didn't want to see it. It made me think why didn't I do it. Why didn't I? Was I just scared,  ~~like usual?~~  Or do I still have a purpose here? Am I set to do something before I go? 

~~That's **bull** , all I do is  **bad**.  **Nothing**  I do will benefit  **nobody**. ~~

I threw on a shirt and pants lazily. I don't care what I looked like, I already looked like trash. I looked in the mirror and saw that I had thrown on some light pink shirt and red shorts to go with it. It has a white line down the sides and the middle on them. They looked dirty. I convinced myself to not care, why should I?  ~~ I will be erased from this earth very soon.   ~~

But then, what would Monika think? 

I blushed at the sudden question. Surely she's like the rest of them. Surely she doesn't care and wishes I was gone. Surely my silly crush on her doesn't have an effect on her personality. She's kind and nice to everyone. Even me.  **~~Why me?~~ **

I whisk away the urge to just stay home and bask in my sadness.  ~~Selfish~~. Instead, I forced every step I took to the living room to a thankfully clothed Monika. I  won't be selfish anymore. 

 Monika's house is full of unwanted memories. That night. That  ~~fucking~~  Wednesday night that spiraled me into more of what I didn't want to apart of.  ** ~~Stupid~~**. 

"Wait here," Monika says hastily. "I need to get some more comfortable clothes!" Then with those words, she runs away to her bedroom upstairs. I changed my shoes and sat on her pure white couch. I felt like falling asleep there, but a memory keeps me up. Yuri and The Portrait of Markov. I remembered a presence that I didn't notice before, was it  ** ~~an annoyance~~**? Of course, why did I annoy her! It was her favorite book, after all, she was waiting to read it! I get up and walk around, not wanting  to be overflowed with memories. 

I walked past the kitchen. This time, it was vacant and clean instead of frosting and cupcake batter on the floor and counters. I remembered the frosting accident. I remembered the tension between us. I remembered how Natsuki got mad at me. She was right! She was so right! I'll never eat her sweets again, ~~I'm not **worthy**  of them. ~~

I don't dare look at a certain cabinet. 

Before going to the door again, I accidentally looked at a table. Damn this table. This was my mess up with Monika happened. Where I have let my screams slip out.  ~~Where my dearest friend heard my pathetic scream of help.~~  Where I saw Monika's deepest secret, her deepest fear, her deepest worry. It's up to me to keep her secret, until at least the festival. I don't want to! It itches me inside out, knowing her secret and she not knowing mine! The worse part is, she trusts me with it. She's happy with me knowing it! How can I repay her?

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I tense up, fearing that I am reliving the awful night but I quickly race towards the door. 

Monika is now dressed in a vintage white top. A brown belt with one yellow button holding it in place meets her waist and is followed by the same colored brown skirt which reaches her knees before elegantly stopping. Her big white bow was also now perched upon her head like it always has. 

There's still a chance of me passing out today.

"Ready to go," she asks cheerfully. I could tell her mood has been lifted by removing the school uniform. 

"As ready as you are," I respond back. A large grin forms on Monika's face as we walked out the house and closed the door behind us. 

* * *

 

After breakfast, Monika asks for me to go somewhere with her. She wouldn't tell me the scene, only that I need to be blindfolded. I skeptically let her, knowing she won't harm me, ( ~~yet~~ ) and I needed somewhere to go other than the place of horrible memories called home. 

While blindfolded, I tried to rely on other senses, like smell, touch, and sound. However, the only sound was our footsteps and the only thing I could feel was Monika's hand guiding me and the blindfold on my face. The only thing I could smell was flowers, wait flowers? 

As Monika led me through to our designation, I smelled more and more, they started to get overwhelming. 

"Monika where are we going" I whined, chuckling. "I'm super, super curious!" 

"Ehehe, we will be there soon," Monika says somewhere the darkness. 

After a few moments, I felt my legs get tickled by dozens on weeds and leaves. I bit my lip from keeping from laughing. Soon after that, Monika stands near my back, ready to take the blindfold off. 

"Three! Two! One!" A voice yells. A blindfold drops. My eyes widen. 

And I saw. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger lol
> 
> I won't make you wait super long for the next chapter


	20. The Blooming Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori and Monika are in a field full of flowers. Monika's talks about her past and what she thinks of the future.

Three! Two! One!" A voice yells. A blindfold drops. My eyes widen. 

And I saw. 

It was a field of thousands of yellow sunflowers. Each looking the same, except for minor differences you see when you get up close. They look so small while standing up above them, feet above my height. However some reached my height, some stand even taller! 

Monika walks from behind and looks out of the horizon. It was just like the sunset yesterday. 

I wonder if that "I love you" was real? 

I wonder what to do if I respond to it? 

"You know, Sayori," Monika begins suddenly. I tuned in to her. "People have secret hideouts from when they were kids. A treehouse, a room, a playground. This was mine." She takes one hand to outstretch to the horizon of yellow flowers and blue sky. The gentle wind hits her face. A smile escapes her lips as she soars in happiness. 

"When I was very young, my parents took me here on the weekends. We use to sit here in silence, my mom, dad and me until I started crying that I was hungry or cold or whatever a baby whines about. Still, I remember those times being held and watching the flowers bloom." 

She stops holding her arm out and put them by her sides. I could see her gripping the sides of her stomach fiercely. I was about to say something before she interrupts me.

"When I got a little older, I used to go here when my anxiety gets bad. Almost every panic attack was in here, with the blooming flowers. These little things calmed me down when the medicine could not. Comforted me during hard times. They are like friends to me." Her smile crumbles after the words hard times. I knew where this is going, I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. 

Monika didn't move but continued a little weaker than before. "When my... parents died, I went here almost every day. I felt like their spirits were still here, still standing amongst the sunflowers. I went here every day, waiting for something to happen, a vision, a voice, a letter, something! After I gotten nothing for months, almost even a year, I... I moved on. I used- No, I still do bring two of the sunflowers flowers to each of their graves, to remind them of memories and to convince myself they were... truly gone." 

Monika stopped and bent down to touch a flower. Her finger glided across the petal smoothly. A tear lands on it. "All of these flowers represent a memory to me. A gentle moment, a burning wanting, a dying release. It will hurt me if even one of these flowers dies too soon before their time. That's why I didn't invite anyone here. Not even the literature club." 

She gets up from her spot, careful to not step on the fragile stems. Why would she pick me, the first one other than her family to see this? Wait! Oh no. Oh no! **~~I can't do this again! I can't do this. I can't! I can't keep another secret again!  I fucking can't.~~**

Monika turns to me, her skirt dancing in the wind, her eyes filled with tears. "It seems like you are my first visitor, Sayori," she smiles. I try not to flush at the moment. 

"Do you know why I picked you out of Yuri and Natsuki?" 

"I don't know," I say. Why hasn't she pick neither if them? ~~I am just a fourth wheel. A useless plug. **A worthless waste of space.**~~

"Because..... I love you! Your outgoing attitude, your sweet side. Your caring for others, your positive heart. I love everything about you, Sayori! I love the other club members too, but you are different. You are special! When I'm here, all I think is us holding our baby and showing them this wonderful place! I know, I know, too soon, but what I'm trying to say is-" She pauses, wiping her tears that have spilled over her burning face while confessing. Her hands were gripping her sides for dear life. It was like her body was trying to wiggle herself out of this situation. Still, she kept on. 

"What I am trying to say is, please, accept my confession." She bows, holding out a white envelope with a pink sticker to hold the letter in place. The envelope is addressed to... me! 

I hesitantly took the letter and opened it. I noticed Monika was not bowing anymore but looks at the other side of the field. She fidgets, a thing she does when she is anxious. I laugh to myself opened the envelope. 

I was surprised that it was a poem, but that was just like Monika is. That is what's all of us are. 

I slid the paper out of the envelope and read it carefully. 

* * *

Let's watch the blooming flowers together

 

 

> A flower is a gentle thing  
>  Strong enough to withstand the wind  
>  Weak enough to easily merely get plucked  
>  A symbol of peace, love, and memories

> A crowd of them are near me  
>  Each petal tells a story  
>  Each flower has a past  
>  Each one relates to me as I relate to them
> 
> Some are still blooming  
>  A story left untold  
>  A page left unwritten  
>  A future still gathering together
> 
> Once, a blooming flower blossomed  
>  A colorful promise for love  
>  I didn't understand, I didn't had love  
>  And then you came along. 
> 
> Your flowers crossed paths with my flowers  
>  Then we blossomed the same flowers  
>  And we related to them as they did to us  
>  And we related to each other as we did to them
> 
> Our blooming flowers had grown and grown  
>  Until all we saw was just each other  
>  But we still let them blossom into colorful flowers  
>  Each story was interesting to us
> 
> Here's our new chapter together  
>  Together forever with the blooming flowers  
>  Where we go, we wouldn't know  
>  But in each other hand's we will be safe
> 
> Let's continue to watch the blooming flowers together, Sayori
> 
> ~Monika

* * *

I am amazed at what talented poems Monika continues to come out with. Her poetry is amazing, and I would love to read hers every day. However, I need an answer. 

Monika just confessed to me! 

I couldn't believe this was real, that the paper I was holding wasn't just a daydream and that the Monika over there was real! Or at least I think she's real. I try to find an answer. 

Part of me is overjoyed that Monika was confessing to me! I had a crush on her since last year and had been waiting for this forever. ~~But I just can't. I can't. **I can't. I can't. I can't**!~~ ~~I will just **fail** Monika like I do all my other friends. She will probably dump me because I wasn't like her **expectations**. I don't want to **lie** and give her **unexpected expectations.**~~

I wouldn't be right for Monika, I am scared and sad and ~~suicidal~~. She doesn't want me, she only wants my lie persona. No! This is an joke! It's got to be! 

**~~She wouldn't really love me!~~ **

Still what if she does? I sigh, releasing a shaky breath. Monika turns at me, her face is still blushing. 

I love her, no matter what. 

 ** ~~Selfish~~**. 

"Monika, your one of the amazing, most powerful people I ever met. Your great and courageous and funny and smart and I would drown you in words of why you're so per- awesome and-" I stop. ~~Tell her the goddamn truth!~~

"I love you too, Monika" 

And then I kissed her, right under the blooming flowers. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like writing poems, what can I say?


	21. Free*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki hides from her father with Yuri. Threats are made. 
> 
> *Warning! This chapter isn't for the faint of heart!

** *Warning! This isn't for the faint of heart! If you are sensitive to implied rape and graphic character deaths then don't read any of this chapter. There will be a short description of what happened in this chapter will be over in the end notes! For those who aren't scared, enjoy! **

* * *

 

 **Natsuki's  Pov**  ~~~~

As soon as I awoken my body hurts. Bruises everywhere, from my legs to my arms. I don't question the bruises, I get them almost everyday, but my body froze in fear when I saw the one near my neck. Last nights events came at me like a brick. 

The phone call with Monika and Sayori.

No.. 

Him coming in my room.

No.. That didn't happen

Him saying he's the only one I need.

It was just a dream.. Only a dream..

Him pining me on the floor and... raping me.

I noticed my privates was soaking wet and sore. No.. It couldn't be. He isn't that fucked! Shit, shit, shit!

I turned my attention to the blue and purple bruise, afraid to explore what else is fucked down there. I reached out to touch it, for once it didn't sting. However, I could feel the marks. I suddenly gasp for air, I need to get out. I'll be killed

I silently stood up and made my way towards my closet, careful to not wake Papa. I would just get my clothes, my phone and my shoes and go. All without waking Papa. He would be glad to get me out of his life anyways, I'm just a punching bag to him. Where do I go, anyways? Monika's house is too far, I doing know where Sayori even lives, and I don't know any one else from school except... Yuri! Yes, Yuri! I just go to her house, it's only a block and a half away. 

I carefully got a top and a bottom before changing. My bruises sting putting clothes on top of them, making my clothes uncomfortable. I silently curse my father. I was about to tie on my ribbons before I heard a noise from downstairs. Chills run down my spine. I dropped my ribbons before rushing downstairs, only to see my Papa waiting for me. 

"You know Natsuki, you have some nerve," he slurred. "Passing out while I played with you, and now escaping." I yelped as he grabbed my arm to pull me closer. "But we can play again, and again, and again, doll." I smelled the booze from his chapped lips and gagged. 

"Get away from me, you fucking pedo," I screamed. He throws me on the floor at my comment, my back hisses in pain. Despite my bruises, I manage to back away every time he makes a step towards me until I reached the kitchen wall. This is my end. I'm going to die! 

"Who you calling a pedo, you fucking whore. You throwed yourself on me!" I bite my lip to keep my tears from escaping. He doesn't want to see me cry, still tears were in my eyes when he slaps me. "What you crying about, you little bitch. Afraid of me?" He laughs while I try to stand back up. "I only just want to relive the fun we had!" 

"I don't want to! I don't want to have any associated with your crazy ass," I yelled. To my surprise, he smiles. 

"Oh doll, you don't have a choice!" He cups my cheeks and pulls me into a sloppy, messy kiss. A kiss I didn't want to be apart of. I pulled back and ran while he didn't notice. Not caring about shoes or a coat, I opened the door and left. 

I could hear my father yell after me, but I ran faster. Yuri, where the fuck are you! 

When I thankfully found Yuri's house, all the lights were off. I was tempted to go somewhere else, but my father would probably catch up to me. So instead, I pressed the doorbell nonstop and hoped that she will make it in time. I was still ringing the doorbell when I saw my father turn the corner. I instantly ring faster. Finally, a sleepy Yuri opened the door, I had no time for her to be sleepy now. 

"Natsuki! Wh..What?" 

"Lock the door and hide," I yelled getting into the house before my father did. After locking the door, I grabbed her arm and ran to the nearest closet. 

"Natsuki.. what- what's going on," Yuri asks fearfully after I locked the closet's door. "It's three in the morning!" 

"Shh," I whisper. "I'll tell you everything later, but for now just shut up." 

Yuri looks like she was going to say something, but with my glare, she shuts up. All of the sudden, the doorbell rings and the door bangs all at once. I erupt in a cold sweat. 

"You little bitch," the voice behind the door slurs. "I raised you for eighteen years and you abandon me like this! We were about to share a future together! Husband and wife! Wouldn't you like that, doll?" I didn't answer, I was too scared to. "But you have to go run off with your shitty ass whore girlfriend  _Yuri_ , or whatever her name is! Hehe, I bet you only like her because of the sex, you hooker. But guess what, I stole that from you too!" He laughs while I sit in fear. I could feel Yuri tense at the sound of her name. 

"This time, I'm not going to forgive your worthless ass. The next time I see you, I'll kill you! Both of you! And not only you two, but your shitty friends,  _Monika and Sayori_, too! I'll shoot up that whole fucking school if I need to!" I remember the rifle underneath his bed he smacked me with. He isn't kidding.

He bangs the door and yells loudly for a long time. Me and Yuri stay in the closet, scared of the death threats. The banging stop at the sound of police cars. I put my hands over my ears when I hear a gunshot. It's him. He found his rifle and shot through the door! We are done for!

I heard the door bang once again, however this voice is different. "Police! Open up!" I look to Yuri with uncertainty in the darkness. "I'll go check," she whispers, a shaking in her voice but confident. 

She goes to open the closet door when I grabbed her shirt. "Yuri are you fucking stupid! What if it's him!" 

"I'll bring a knife," she says. I only grabbed her tighter. Her Obsession. 

"What about your... obsession," I say.

A another bang interrupts us for a moment, "Police! Open up!" 

Yuri smiles at me. "I promised myself I'll stop after you found out." 

"Really?"

"Really." 

Not having any more reasons for her not to go, my grip on the fabrics weaken and weaken before I dropped it. Yuri stands up and gently opens the door. I saw her grab a kitchen knife from the table from my spot inside the closet. 

When she opens the from the door, the police puts her on gunpoint. I was about to attempt to come out, but something stops me. 

"Put your hands up and drop the weapon," a police officer exclaims. Yuri obeyed, dropping the kitchen knife of the floor and raises her hands up. While a few officers investigate her, a few went inside the house and found me. 

One gives me her hand. This officer had dark brown curly hair that goes up to her shoulders. It was in one big ponytail. Her face were  plump as her eyes ringed out sympathy towards me, and a smile curved her lips. She looks safe. "Hello, my name is Officer Judy, we promise not to hurt you, only to ask you some questions." She looks at my bruises. "And to patch you up." 

I was disgusted for her treating like a baby, but I believed her words. I nodded and got up myself. She then leads me outside to ask some questions.

However, outside wasn't a pretty sight. Underneath the dark blue starry sky, a body lay in front of a cop car. One gunshot impaled it stomach, blood erupting from the womb. It's blood drops on the cold street, making a bloody mess. I ran from Officer Judy, who yells at me to stop. I didn't listen. I slowed down when I was close to it. It took me a few minutes to realize it, but I saw that the lifeless body was in fact, my father. 

I stepped back in shock. He's dead. He's dead. He's really is dead! I forcefully swallow the warm liquid building up in my throat. 

I am finally free. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder. My first instinct was to shake it off, but it felt welcoming. I didn't break eye contact from the dull eyes.

"I am finally free." I wobble a step back. 

"Yes, you are," a voice responses. The soft, gentle voice of Yuri. 

Another wobbly step back. "I am finally free."

This time, Yuri's voice had concern growing in it. "Nat, are you okay?" 

I didn't respond. I remembered the memories I had with this corpse. The bruises, the hurt, the emotional abuse, the... rape. All of the sudden, it's all gone. How it could be gone that fast? Years of abuse, gone only in a couple of seconds! How? How?

"How," I sputtered before I felt myself falling. 

I didn't hear my name being yelled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary:
> 
>  
> 
> Natsuki wakes up from her father raping her. She decides to get out before she gets raped again, or even worse killed. As she was getting ready, her father wakes up and meets her downstairs. Despite him beating her, she escapes through the front door. She goes to Yuri's house and hides in her closets. Her father bangs the door and calls both of them names and threatens to kill not only them both but Sayori and Monika too. It was finally over when the police comes over. However stepping outside, Natsuki sees that her father was shot dead, and falls into shock.


	22. Fiction and Nonfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri tries to keep up with all that is going on around her. Even being one of the smartest students in her class, her mind can't comprehend what just happened in the last hour.

** Yuri's Pov **

 

"I am finally free." Natsuki wobbles a step back. 

"Yes, you are," I responded. 

Another wobbly step back. "I am finally free."

Natsuki's face drained of color, leaving her blank. Her breathing intensifies too, I worryingly took a step forwards "Nat, are you okay?" 

She doesn't answer, making me worry more. I try to make some conversation. "Natsuki.. You're obviously not feeling well. Ma-maybe you can.. um.. get a drink or something?" 

She doesn't answer, I don't think she's even listening. I felt my face getting hot for being ignored. I try again. "Nat-Natsuki?" 

This time, she finally answers. However it was indirectly. "How," she sputters. 

She falls. 

"Natsuki!" I heard a chorus of yells from the back of me, but I don't focus on them. I catch her in my arms and laid her down to the floor carefully. 

Her condition wasn't any different as when she fell. Still pale. Still breathing rapidly. I look over to her "father". It was all his fault that this happened to her. Oh, I wish I could have handled him myself. I felt anger surged up inside me. 

Breathing exercise.

I learnt breathing techniques to calm myself when I felt fiery rage build inside me, or the urge of cutting. Natsuki taught them to me. I looked over at the bleeding body again. Now, I know why she knows them in the first place. 

A squad of police officers surround me and Natsuki. Half of them began working on Natsuki in an instant. I watch nearby, keeping a close eye on her. 

They didn't did much, only check her pulse and to check for more bruises than the ones littered on her body. There were so many scrapes, but they seemed to be scattered across unnoticeable parts so nobody would have noticed. Still, I could have lifted up a sleeve of took a hat off when she insisted on wearing it indoors. 

Breathing exercise. 

Now, I know she didn't go to the beach with us. Or didn't go to club outings. Or when she leaves at a certain time. Or when she wears long sleeves in the summer. I know why she doesn't let anyone love her. Her dad took that part of life away from her. 

Breathing exercise. Breathing exercise. Breathing exercise. 

I pull out my phone, wanting to call either Monika or Sayori. However, it's four in the morning, they are both probably sleeping now. I sigh, my only company now is the police officers. I don't like talking to strangers, so I stay still, not talking to no one until one officer taps my shoulder. 

This officer had short curly brown hair, only reaching her shoulder, tucked in a ponytail. She wore a small grin on her face and her eyes were full of sympathy. She extends her hand out towards me. 

"My name is Officer Judy," she says softly. "It seems like we haven't asked you all of your questions yet. May we continue?" 

"Oh." I ran off to Natsuki while answering questions. Having no choice, I took the kind officers hand. "Sure." 

 

We moved to a spot near the houses bushes and talked. Some questions were easy to answer like; "What is your relationship with Natsuki," and "Why was you holding a knife?" Some took all of my efforts to answer like; "How long did you known Natsuki was being abused," and "Why do you think he wanted to kill you." 

Breathing exercise. 

Every time I answer a question, I glance over to where Natsuki was laying. Every time I saw her my heart aches, even if didn't see her clearly because of the blur of police officers. Officer Judy noticed after a while. 

"Worried about your friend, I see." 

I sigh, "Yes, I am. I never saw her like this before." 

"It is common for abuse victims to hide their situations. It isn't your fault." 

Tears surround my eyes as she says the sentence. Her voice echoing the fierce word "abuse". Another reminder that this is all real.

This is all nonfiction. 

"I know, but I feel bad not knowing until today. I've been her friend for years but I never knew. If I could have known sooner, she would have been okay tonight!" 

"Believe it or not, it's all in the past now. Instead of being sad because of the past, be happy that we found out now. She might of come out worse if she didn't come here tonight." 

I considered this for a moment and nodded. "I guess your right... Thank you." 

She smiles and then announces the activity I have to do next; "Checking."

I froze in fear, clenching my bedroom robe I was wearing. My arms would be exposed then! I never let anyone see them, except Natsuki. 

Officer Judy notices my fear. "Come on, I will be professional!" 

"But.. But.. I.. Okay." I let her feel out my robe pockets and eventually take the robe off partway, revealing the bandaged cuts all over both of my arms. They twirl around my arms like snakes. There's a date on one bandage on both arms, the date since I got them bandaged. 

_9/14/17_

Two weeks since today. I smiled to myself, I haven't let Natsuki down. Not yet. 

 

* * *

 

A soft hiss escapes through my lips. Natsuki  _glares_  at me.

“It isnt my fault that you put too much alcohol on the cotton balls,” I say.

She grunts. “It isn’t my fault I don't know how to do this!”

“We just watched three videos on Youtube.”

“I’m not a fast learner ya know!”

I laugh at her discomfort, and sat still again. Natsuki was bandaging my arms, again. I lost it a couple of times and pulled the bandages off, cutting another line through fragile skin. I could see Natsuki was pissed to be bandaging my arms again, but I had lost all control of the urge. I was too afraid of therapy and didn't want nobody else to know about this. Natsuki's knowing was already a mistake. 

Natsuki grapes a white strip and gently wraps it on my arm. The large amount of alcohol makes it stings, but I'm sure it will be fine. After putting the last strip on, Natsuki runs to get a sharpie. 

"Hey, what's the date," Natsuki asks.

"Hmm, September fourteenth, why?" 

Natsuki then proceeds to gently write the date on my bandages. I wince at the sudden sharpie contact.

"Stop moving so much." 

"Natsuki," I hiss. "What are you doing!" 

"Writing the date on your bandages, that's what." Natsuki looks pissed, but a slight blush forms across her face. 

I sigh, "What for?" 

"You can track the day you stop cutting. I know you will not be able to track two days without it." 

I blush, I know it's true. 

"Plus," Natsuki continues. "Icareforyoutoo. Now, stop moving!"

I smile smugly, "Oh, what was that?" 

"Nothing!" I laugh while she blushes. 

She takes my other arm and shakes the sharpie. "Hey, Yuri?" 

"Hm?" 

She stops writing and turns away. I start to get worried. 

"Nat.. Natsuki," I say. She huffs. "Come on…" 

 "Well, what if I did something very stupid. Like, if we had a super bad fight, worse than all the others. Will you stop being friends with me?" 

My gaze softens. She really cares about our friendship, doesn't she. "Well, we had very difficult fights in past and we always did overcome them, so I bet this one will be the same." I shyly point to my bandages wounds. "We can't really stop being friends after you bandaged this." 

She finally looks at me and laughs. "I bet more than friends!" 

A blush forms across my face. Are we really... more than friends? "Y-yeah! More than girlfriends!" 

This gets Natsuki's attention as she looks shocked and I get ready to apologize. However she laughs. "Imagine us, girlfriends! That would be a twisted world." 

Yeah, a twisted world. It's too much of a fantasy. Natsuki will never like me. I'm probably not even her type. Why do I even thi-

"It would be nice, though," Natsuki says, thinking. 

I froze. 

What. 

WHAT. 

My face turns as red as it could and I felt my body heating up. Maybe even overheating. I can't be together with Natsuki. What if we break up? What about our friendship? I don't want to ruin it. 

I worried about our relationship until I felt cold water being splashed from above, covering my head, shoulders and feet. I look up to see Natsuki, now standing, holding a medium plastic cup upside down. Water was still dripping from it's insides. "I thought I saw a fire." 

"Nat-Natsuki!" 

"Seriously! You wasn't responding at all. Even when I waved my hand near your face! That works on everyone! Even Sayori!" 

"You gotten my bandages wet!" Natsuki then looks at the bandages, weaken from the wet blow, only draping across my arms instead of wrapping tightly around them. The ink is now dripping on my arms. "Oops, sorry." 

"You're doing them again," I say as I stand, walking to the shower. Natsuki groans. 

* * *

 "Do you...cut," Officer Judy says, choosing her words. I shyly nod, there was no sense of hiding it. "I see..." 

Officer Judy moves on, scanning the rest of my body looking for weapons. I'm surprised that she just moves on like that, not even a word saying something annoying like; "Get a therapist! You need help!" It makes me feel a little bit better showing them in public. I try to stay still, but the feeling of the breeze on my bare arms again feels odd. I haven't felt this in months. 

Officer Judy gets up and brushes the dust off her knees. "All clear!" 

"Is there anything else I need to do?" 

"Nope," Officer Judy says. "You can wait for the ambulance with your friend if you like." 

I remember Natsuki's condition. "Wait, is she okay?" 

"Oh, she'll be fine. Her fainting spell was probably due to shock of her father's death and that other thing. However the bruises on her body are mostly infected or starting to show signs of. If we don't tend to her wounds, she might be in serious trouble." 

I stuttered an okay. He didn't even treat her wounds after he made them. Nevertheless had the supplies to even treat them property. 

Oh Natsuki, what have you gone through? 

My eyes began to sting with tears again, but this time I couldn't hold them. One by one, they fall down my checks onto the cold pavement. I feel worthless, useless, unimportant. Why couldn't I save her earlier?

The breathing exercises has failed me for the first time. 

I try to remember Officer Judy's words but they make my tears roll faster. What if she didn't come to my house tonight? What if I was too late? Will she be dead?

Officer Judy squeezes my hand, making me snap into the reality where Natsuki is alive, just hurt. 

Just really hurt. 

"Don't worry, she'll be okay. I promise," Officer Judy says in a comforting voice. I hugged her tightly, surprising her. I had no choice, she was the only one here. I needed a hug. 

"I... I'm just so sadden and angry and disappointed and confused," I choke. "Th-this is all too much for one night." 

"I know, but you can get through it." She pulls away from me, her smile radiating warmth from her face. "I believe in you." 

I smiled a weak smile on my own. 

 

Not soon after that, the ambulance came. I said goodbye to Officer Judy, thanked the neighbors who called the cops, and brought a few things to keep myself occupied on this trip. I grabbed a random manga from the shelve for Natsuki. 

Natsuki was still unconscious, but was doing better. The color returned to her face, and she wasn't breathing short jagged breaths anymore. I sighed a relieved sigh as I watched her sleep from my spot. 

As soon as we came to the hospital, the doctors whisked her away to a room. I waited in the waiting room, accompanied by screams and wails from little kids and the really strong scent of medicine. I was happy with all the commotion so I wouldn't able to focus on my own thoughts. 

After an hour, I was finally able to go in the room. One nurse said that she will be sleeping for about a few more hours, and they will disinfect after. After she scurries off, I step foot inside the cold room. 

It was quiet except for the beeps from the monitor  and the echoing of yells from the halls. I kept myself busy by reading one of the books I picked out from home. Ever so often, I check on Natsuki. Her health greatly improves each time by the IV bag from her right. 

It was about 6:30am when I heard a voice resounding in the room. I look at the door, but there was no where in front of it. That's when I looked at the bed and saw Natsuki sitting up, staring at me. 

"Yuri, where the heck are we?" 

"Natsuki!" 

I hugged her tightly, despite her squirming against it. When I finally let go, she looked slightly annoyed. 

"What was that for!" 

"I've been so worried! I didn't know what to do after you passed out on me!" 

Natsuki annoyance contorted into confusion. "I.. fainted?" 

"Oh, you don't remember? It might of be that you fell into shock..." 

 "Yea, I pretty sure that don't remember jack since I went home. Why am I here, anyways. A fainting spell couldn't have been that bad." 

I sigh, "It's quite much, do you want to wait for a few moments." 

"Nah, I love a great story, after all." 

I laugh to lighten the mood. "Well, a story you will get!" 

And then I told her everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Officer Judy is my first OC in a fan fiction! 
> 
> (Yay!)
> 
> You will be seeing much more of her! When is the mystery you have to figure out. 
> 
> Muhaha


	23. My Last Parting Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori writes letters to her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters until Wilt is over. It's been a wild ride!
> 
> (Notice how I say, Wilt)

I hugged my cow plush, Mr Cow at the vibrance of my phone. Another text message. Another conversation  ~~without me~~. I sigh.  ~~Selfish.~~   ~~Why do I have to insert myself in every situation. Nobody wants me. Nobody **needs me.**~~

After getting home, I spiraled in a downwards spiral. Why did Monika confessed to me? I know that she doesn't love me, nobody does, so why did she then? Was it her facade? Was it to please Natsuki and Yuri? Was it because she felt that she had to, seeing that I was so utterly in love with her? I cringe, I hope the last statement wasn't true. However then, what could it be? 

Part of me is overjoyed and thinks this is all some dream that I don't deserve. It would probably better if this was all some dream. Most of me is full of rainclouds, pouring cold rain on my fragile body. ~~Monika doesn't **deserve** your pityful love. Monika doesn't **care** for you. Monika  **hates**  you.~~

These rain clouds won't go away. 

These rain clouds won't go away! 

~~ **HeLp Me!** ~~

I hug Mr Cow harder, trying to hide myself in the plush's fabric. I felt warm tears rolling down my cheeks.  ~~Weak~~. I felt worthless.  ~~Worthless. Worthless. Nobody cares about me.  **Nobody loves me.**~~

The voices in my head resounds in my head. It bangs against my head walls, hurting me. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my body hurts. I don't want this anymore. I really don't want this anymore. 

"I don't want to live anymore," I choked at Mr Cow. "Why do I even try?" I muffed my sobs in Mr Cow's fabric. I feel disgusting and tired. 

I try to think of happy thoughts. My friends  ~~that doesn't care for me~~. The literature club  ~~that doesn't value me.~~  This great home  ~~always empty and cold~~. Myself ~~?~~   ~~ **Everything is wrong with myself.**~~

_ No Sayori! Those aren't happy thoughts. Think harder!  _

Well, I get to see Natsuki, Yuri, and Monika today. I love them, I ultimately do.  ~~They just don't love me the same~~. And that is _okay_. That is _okay_. I'm  _okay_. I'm the _smiling okay_  Sayori. This is just a _phase_. Only a _phase_ , right Sayori?  ~~Why won't you get normal, Sayori?~~

Multiple vibrates from my phone thankfully erupt me from my thoughts. I grabbed the phone quickly, needing something to distract me. I read the texts from the group chat and my heart breaks into shards.

* * *

 

The Literature Fam #Sayinka

_6:30am_

Book Nerd: Hey guys, I won't be the festival today. I'm with Natsuki in the hospital

On Timeout: What! Is she okay?!?!

Book Nerd: Don't worry, she's doing fine. However I just want to stay here with her. The events from the past hours were too much, for both of us. 

On Timeout: Holy. Is it okay that I come after school? 

Book Nerd: Sure! Natsuki is actually getting pretty bored of me. She would love some other company. 

On Timeout: That sounds like her alright. Tell her that I will be there as soon as I can

Book Nerd: I did. She says "hurry". 

On Timeout: Heh. I now gtg, see you guys soon! <3

Book Nerd: We love you too, Monika

* * *

 

I also received new messages from my private chat with Monika. I click on it with hesitation, afraid of what to come. 

* * *

 

Monibaby

_6:45am_

Monibaby: You awake? 

Monibaby: Check the group chat Sayori, this is important

Monibaby: ooo, want to buy corny gifts for the hospital babes, Natsuki will be a hit!

Monibaby: Sayori?

Monibaby: Your probably still sleeping, wake up in time for the festival! 

_7:30am_

Monibaby: Sayori I'm getting worried

Monibaby: it's literally 25 minutes since school started WHERE ARE YOU

[Missed call from Monibaby]

[Missed call from Monibaby]

Monibaby: Sayori this isn't funny where are you

Monibaby: I'm sure as hell you're awake, I called you twice

_7:45_

Monibaby: I just called Yuri, you aren't in the hospital with her. I'm calling you again

[Missed call from Monibaby]

[Deleted Message]

[Deleted Message]

[Deleted Message]

[Missed Call from Monibaby]

Monibaby: I just can't with this

_8:03_

Monibaby: Sorry for those texts, just took medicine and feeling better

Monibaby: You're probably are just really sick and I'm just worrying too much. Lol opps >.<

Monibaby: I'll swing by your place after school if you don't come to school later

Monibaby: I'll hope you're okay

Monibaby: I love you

Monibaby: Please call me when you wake up

* * *

 

I gripped my phone tighter, my tears rolling off the gently lighted screen. Why am I so selfish? I couldn't support Natsuki and Yuri in the hospital because I was too busy crying over my  ~~pathetic~~  life. I made Monika worry because I was too busy mourning about my own  ~~failures~~.  ~~I only care for myself. I don't **love** them. It's only a **fake** , like this persona that I was playing for the past **ten years.**~~

I looked at the time on my alarm. Brightly illuminated lights show the numbers; 8:57. Monika is probably dealing with this festival all by herself. And it's all my fault. **~~All my fault~~**. 

My phone erupts a solid bang. A couple of pieces of glass littered near my feet, unfortunately not cutting into them. I stare blankly at the broken phone before stepping on it. Again and again.  ~~** Again and again ** ~~ . I didn't stop until I was certain it was broken. Monika won't be able to contact me, Yuri and Natsuki won't know a thing, I won't have nobody find me. 

Now, ~~everyone~~  can be happy.

I smiled through the tears, knowing what I have to do next. I wobbled to my closet, bringing out one of the bags that was inside. I quickly took out the contents. A pen, a highly decorated notepad, different colored envelopes. I really do care for my friends. 

I wrote long paragraphs for each of them, taking out my heart and soul. I finally get to tell them my own feelings, like how I deeply care for each of them, that I loved the time I had for each of them, how I didn't care if they didn't care for me back.  ~~How none of this were their fault~~. I read them over and over, revising and changing, reusing and scraping, making sure every one was absolutely perfect.

I added a haiku, short and sweet. My last parting message. 

I gently put each letter inside an envelope. Pink, Purple, Green. I smile at the colors, knowing that they all mean something lovely to me. A pain erupts from my heart, I realised I'll miss them. I hugged the envelopes, still careful not to tear them. "I'll miss you guys so much! I loved you guys!" 

However against my small fighting urge to see them one last time, I put the envelopes on my bed, waiting to be open. I directed my attention from the bed to the closet, where the rope is. Fear or sadness don't rise up inside me, nor the urge to stop myself. Instead I am filled with excitement. 

Now, they all will be happy, and I would be happy of their futures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I love you, always_   
>  _I'll stay with you, even being dead_   
>  _So please don't be sad_
> 
>  
> 
> _For my sake_  
>  _~Sayori❤_


	24. Sayonara, Sayori*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori is a flower, slowly wilting. Her depression is so much, too much on her little body.
> 
> Still, Sayori still is fighting. It's very hard, but she still is.
> 
> However, time has take it's toll. 
> 
> She blows away in the wind. 
> 
> *This is not for the faint of heart!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This is Sayonara._
> 
> _Sayonara, Natsuki._  
>  _Sayonara, Yuri_  
>  _Sayonara, Monika._  
>  _I love you._
> 
> _~Sayori ❤_

 

*This is not for the faint of heart! If you want to avoid graphic descriptions of suicide (or seeing poor Sayori die) then skip this chapter!

* * *

 

I took a stool from the living room. I put it underneath my ceiling fan, the place I think is sturdy enough to hold my weight. It might break over time, but I think I'll be long dead by then. I made sure that I was tall enough to reach the ceiling fan. It was perfect.

My hand gently brushes the doorknob of the closet. Everything feels like some longing, but nothing of the compares with the urge. I gently opened the door to see a rope on top if a pile of clothes. ~~Another reminder of how utterly nasty I am~~. I grabbed the rope in my hands. It was slim in size but was long enough for me being not able to grab it with my entire arm span. It was perfect. 

I quietly stood on the stool, tying the rope on the ceiling fan, and then tying a noose. I leant from various failed attempts. It wasn't the best, but it was perfect. 

I put the rope over my neck and readied for impact. 

But.. I stood. I wasn't scared or sad, but I just wanted to think about everything. It's the last time, after all. My mind screeches at me for this decision, I try to ignore it. 

I thought about Natsuki. That little tnusarare that might have the hots for the book nerd. I laugh. Oh, how I will miss the hot-headed third year. Even if she doesn't admit it, she's really cute. Her attitude is just a shield from her nice kind side. I think we could all agree that we all love that other side of her. I also really liked her cupcakes. They were so good. I hope she makes more for them. I also gotten in manga because of her. A whole genre of literature exposed! I remember that time when we brought a whole couch for her birthday. I remember that wish to buy a new one. I can't now, I wont be able too. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and wiped it off. ~~No time for crying, Sayori. ~~

I also thought about Yuri. The mature girl who really didn't really talk. Breaking her out of her shell wasn't easy, but after she was a delight to be around with. I remember her tea that always seemed to calm us. It was a miracle that one sip of her tea can calm me from three coffees! I remember when she first read The Portrait of Markov. We had to practically drag her out of the school after club time! And that one time when she read the ending and thrown the book across the club and never touched it for a month, and how she so casual started reading it again! I laugh again. Yuri's book choice makes me think how mature she will be in the future. How I would miss that. Another tear, another wipe. ~~Keep it together, Sayori! ~~

I thought about Monika. The responsible club leader who is like a big sister to all of us. Sure, she teases me a lot, but she cares about me. (Or she acts like she cares about me) Monika's strong and brave but also weak in some areas. I thought about how she's was so sweet to not show that she is struggling and hurting inside. Or that she still try to keep it together when she forgets her medicine. I hope that she tells them. I hope that she tells them everything. She won't have to hurt in secret anymore. I wipe my tears again.

I remember her confession. That she mustered up all her courage to tell me that she likes me. The shaking and fear in her eyes, but also the love in them. And how long she wrote this poem for. She told me after the confession that she spend hours on a simple four stanzas. She wanted it to be amazing, and it was. I love Monika, I surely do. Her eyes, her smile, her hair, her lips, her love was all I longed for ever since we were first years. Monika would have stole my heart again and again, but the rain clouds stolen it first. 

I took a shaky breath and looked at my surroundings again. Mr Cow. Mr Bird. My bed. My broken phone. My letters. My rug. My closed window. I looked everywhere but I didn't feel anything strong enough.  

I'm ready. 

"Sayonara, World." 

I kicked down the stool. 

It wasn't high enough. I hanged off the ground in silence for a few seconds. However something snapped. Was it that I wasn't ready? Was it survival instincts? I don't know, I ultimately knew I was going to die. I began to craw at the tight rope around my neck. The rope attached itself into my neck, making it impossible to come off. The gap in my throat closes as the rope forcefully pulls it. I can feel the rope tearing off my skin.  My eyes bulged as the oxygen levels dropped drastically. My hands bloodied as I try to scratch off the rope that I know will never go off. I don't know why I tried, but I did again and again. 

After a few moments the pain subsided. I welcomed this change, slowly dropping my arms to my arms, but I still twitched as an attempt to scratch the rope off. I suddenly felt tired, as if I didn't sleep in days. (I didn't) My eyes droop. This is the end. My end. I smile, I wont have to deal with the world again. My eyes close and I met a blissful darkness.

_Sayonara, Sayori_.


	25. Ohayo, Sayori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An aftermath with Monika

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter since it's one of the last! We had come a long way! .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.

~~ Sayori Pov ~~

** Monika's Pov **

 

I thought today will be a perfect day. That all four of us will be together having fun at the festival, and by the end we will have more members than we even imagine! I was wrong. Natsuki and Yuri are at the hospital. I don't know where the hell Sayori is. And, I'm all alone. 

I had the literature club not take part in the festival last-minute. Natsuki and Yuri didn't bring their preparations for the festival since they didn't come today, however the real reason was that I would be bored without them. Our primary reason to take part in the festival is to have fun together. Without them, it seems useless. 

So instead of having fun with my friends and girlfriend, I am walking aimlessly in the halls, looking at other clubs and homerooms. I'm worried for Natsuki and Yuri. Why are they at the hospital anyways? If it was a check up or something, they have been back by now. Did they gotten diagnosed of something? Is it terminal? Please, don't be terminal! 

I was also worried for Sayori. Where is she, anyways? She didn't respond to any of the texts I sent or my calls. I figured she was sick of something.. What if it's something else? Was my confession too much? Am I a bad girlfriend? No, no. It's not my fault. She will be okay. She's just sleeping late, again. At 11:26am. 

That's what I believed before I tried to call her again. I found an empty classroom at the end of the hall. All but one desk was in there, facing towards a door. A failed festival room, maybe. I called but it didn't ring, it when straight to voicemail. I called again and again but all were voicemail. I started to get more worried. Is she declining my calls? Did something happened? 

A surge of fear rushes throughout me. Forgetting everything, I opened the door and rushed through the crowd of people to Sayori's house. Each time each foot touches the ground, the more I think I'm just overreacting. She's just...doing something. She's fine. She's _fine_. 

However I was already running, and when I got my second thoughts I was already half way there. There was no sense of turning back. Afterwards we can always visit Natsuki and Yuri in the hospital. I could have fun in there then at the festival, anyways. 

I knocked on the door cheerfully, trying to hide my growing anxieties. There was a long pause, the inside seemed almost still. I tried again. No answer. The door was unlocked. Does she knows that an intruder can come inside easily? I sigh, classic air headed Sayori. 

"Sayori," I called out. There was no answer. "Sayori, I'm coming in and locking your door. You should know to do this yourself by now." There was again no answer inside, making my anxieties grow. 

I opened the front door. The house was still and all the lights were off. I sensed a bad vibe, had she gotten robbed? I closed the door behind me and locked it. "Sayori?" 

I searched everywhere for her. She wasn't in the kitchen or the living or dining areas. I called out to her but there was no response. A familiar fear shone in my eyes and voice as it trembles my hands and makes my heart race. 

The upstairs wasn't any better, she wasn't in the bathroom or the guest room either. The only place left unchecked was her bedroom. I didn't want to go in there, I feel like it was an invasion of privacy, but she wasn't anywhere else. What's the worse that can happen? 

I'm fooling nobody, worry fills me head to toe. 

I knocked on the door. "Sayori? I'm coming in!" Trembling was in my once confident voice, I was obviously scared. However I need to do this. Who knows what could happen if I don't? I grabbed hold of the doorknob. _Please be sleeping peacefully. Please be sleeping peacefully. Please be sleeping peacefully. Please be sleeping peacefully._

I gently opened the door and my eyes land on her bed, which has three different colored envelopes on it. They scan to the floor, where a broken phone was placed. Glass glittered dangerously on the floor. To Sayori's bright red bow that was perched upon her head. 

To the rest of Sayori's hanging body, dangling by the noose above it. 

"Say.. Sayori," I said to the body. There was no response. I don't have any words. I don't have any thoughts. I just stared at the dead body of my best friend. No, my girlfriend. 

Then, she twitches. 

Then, I realized I could save her. 

I rushed over to the noose. Each step I took felt like years of torment and pain in seconds. Fear constantly grabs hold of me, causing me to be a sweaty mess. I tried to ignore it for the time being, busy untying the rope around Sayori's neck. 

At last, the rope fell and Sayori fell with it. I caught her in my arms and gently placed her on the floor. That's when I saw the huge scar on her neck, red and bloody with little to no skin still on it. I cringed at the amount of pain that must've felt like. 

I refocus my attention to Sayori's face, which was losing color in seconds. We touched lips as I did CPR on her. I try to avoid the fact the I was technically kissing her over and over.. a warmth spreads across my face. 

I did CPR over and over with no such luck. Each time I saw her face, barely with color, my body fills with despair. What would I do if she's actually dead? How will I move on? _Please breathe. Please breathe. Please come back to me and breathe!_

Suddenly I heard a light gasp. I perked up from Sayori and saw that she was breathing again. I smile. Shes alive again. 

I cradle Sayori in my arms. Tears streamed down my face as I realized I've held them back for so long. I sobbed not sad tears, but tears full of thankfulness that she's alive. There could have been many situations that Sayori might of turned out dead. It's by a whim that's she's here now. 

When I was reaching for my phone so I could a ambulance, I heard a groan. It was light and hoarse, but I knew who it was. 

"Sayori?" 

Sayori opens her eyes, looking around at everything and then at me. She seems confused. 

"Monika," she whispers. "Am I dead?" 

My heart breaks when I saw the hope in her eyes. 

I laughed bitterly. "No, not yet." 

Sayori sighs, the amount of pain almost causing her to clutch her throat. I wipe her tears off for her with a sad smile. 

"I see. I think... I think I'm glad....because all I could think about was how much I would miss you guys...how much I love you guys." 

Sting! An arrow pierces through my heart. Damn it Sayori for being so caring. 

"We will never leave you Sayori," I say. "We promise." 

A small smile reveals itself on Sayori's lips, causing me to blush. "I'm glad," she whispers breathlessly. "Aren't you, Monika?" 

I nodded, wiping my tears. "Very."

Sayori, content with my answer, slips into sleep once more. 

I panicked until I saw her chest rise and fall again. There, I let my tears slip once more. 

I realized Sayori felt alone, even with all of us with her. She doesn't think that we love her as much that she loves us. I need to do something.. 

I took her limp pinky finger and wrapped it around mine. "Sayori, I don't know about the others,  but I promise that you will always have me at your side. You will never feel the urge to kill yourself again". I tightened my grip on Sayori's finger. 

"I swear."

* * *

As we were nearing the hospital, I couldn't help but think that the hospital name was familiar. I couldn't think of it on the top of my head who said it, but I'm certain that I heard the name before. 

Still, I had no time for that. I rushed in the ER with Sayori, holding her hand, until a woman stopped me. She looked like a doctor, dressed in all white garments, head to toe.

"I'm sorry," she says. "The rest of this area is strictly hospital personal only. May I escort you to the waiting room?" Knowing I had no other choice, I agreed. 

I haven't even got the chance to see Sayori get whisked away. 

 

The waiting room was hell. Screams and cries from every way possible kept me on the edge of my seat. My thoughts scare me even more. How's Sayori doing? Is she screaming like the people in here? Ah, someone get me out of here! 

A voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I opened my eyes to see the pink headed third year speaking to a purple headed girl, Yuri. She was wearing a hospital gown that reached her ankles. White bandages are around every part of her body. Yuri was wearing a very puffy purple bedroom robe. She looked fine for the most part, which calmed me, almost. 

"Yuri? Natsuki?" Both of them looked at me, smiles filled their faces. 

"Monika!" 

They ran over to hug me in my seat. I agreed, not that I minded. I guess I needed one. After they did, we all realized that we were in the waiting room. 

"You know, if you wanted to see us, you could have gone to the main office," Natsuki said. My heart sank, I almost forgotten why I'm here for. 

"But...Sayori," I say, my voice low. Shock and fear took over their smiling faces. I lowered my head to avoid myself from seeing it. 

"Oh shi-" 

"Is she okay," Yuri cuts off, giving a glare at Natsuki. "Is she hurt?' 

I felt my tears coming back as I looked up at Yuri and Natsuki, both looking at me with sympathy. I noticed the screams, the tears, the helps in the waiting room. I realized that I didn't know. 

"I don't know," I choked. I felt tears stream down my cheeks, but I didn't care anymore. "I don't know." 

I felt myself being pulled into another hug. It made me feel better, the amount if tears on my face reducing. 

"Thank you guys," I say after I pull away from them. "For everything." 

They first looked confused, but then blushes rose upon their faces. I giggled like a child. 

"It's not we appreciate you too," Natsuki puffs. 

Yuri playfully smacks the back of Natsuki's head. "What Natsuki here meant to say is that we love you too." 

They took the two seats beside me and we talked as old friends, trying to push what's happening in the same building to the side. 

* * *

 

"Monika," a voice calls. I looked up, a nurse dressed in white looks at me. Her face looks emotionless, a tactic to make patients not worry as much. It doesn't work, at least on me. It only makes me worry more. 

"Sayori's ready for visitors," she says as I went up to her. 

"Are my friends allowed to come," I say looking at my friends. They had determined smiles on their faces. 

She glances at them. They were still smiling at me while I shared a little wave at them. 

 "Sure, all guests are welcomed." I looked back to her, the biggest grin on my face. 

"Thank you, Miss." 

The nurse finally smiles. "I wish you guys the best of luck." I was about to ask what "the best of luck" meant but she was already gone. I turned back to my friends. 

"You coming or what," I yelled out for both of them to hear. They perked up and ran towards me and the three of us walked towards Sayori's room. 

 

"I think it's right here," I say leading them to yet another hallway.

"It better be right here. We already been redirected three times," Natsuki snaps. 

I shrug. "Big building." 

"It's the smallest in the city." 

"There's the number! 1092!" Natsuki groans at my attempt to redirect the conversion.

I walked over to the door, brushing my hand on the doorknob and felt the air tense suddenly. I almost considered not doing this now, but I quickly pushed that thought out of my mind.

"Ready," I say, gripping my hold on the doorknob. They both nodded. I smiled and silently open the door.

Sayori wasn't as bruised as a few hours ago. A large white bandage was on her neck, covering the large red bruise. The bags on her eyes had decreased but was still there. I felt tears in my eyes again. 

I looked back at Natsuki. She stared at Sayori, dazed.  I forgotten to tell them  _why_ she's in the hospital. However still, getting the words "Sayori tried to kill herself" feels like a stab in my stomach. Natsuki finally snaps to look at me and give me a teary smile. I gave her one back. 

"Hey, where's Yuri," Natsuki whispers, her voice shaking. I looked around, Yuri wasn't in the room.

I start to call out for her worried before Natsuki hushes me. She points to the hospital's doorway. Yuri was sitting on the side, head to her knees, sobbing. We felt our hearts break. 

"I'm sorry," Yuri chokes out. "This is just too much for me. Just too much-" She gets cuts off from her own sobs. Natsuki runs over to her to comfort her. 

"It's too much for us too," she coed. "But we can get through this, one step at a time."

I stared as them as Natsuki tries to wipes Yuri's tears. I felt my own tears falling for the fifth time today, but I had lots of emotions that I had during this wild ride and the only way I can let them through from is by crying. 

After a while, Natsuki looks up and offers me to join their hug. Yuri also looks up and shines a small smile. I smile too, running lived to retrieve yet another hug. We cried a river that night. 

 We didn't regret any of it.

* * *

  I stared at Sayori, thinking. Thinking about, everything. Yesterday was a busy day at least, full of secrets discovered. I wonder what's in the near future, but it hurts my head to think that far. 

Sayori was still unconscious. Silently snoring on the white hospital bed. She didn't wake any that night or this morning, but she is soon to wake soon enough. The scar on her neck was very bad, but the doctors healed it tremendously. She didn't snap her neck, didn't she? The doctors would have told us if she manage to break her neck? Would she be dead? Is she dead?!

I try to calm myself down. Nonsense, the monitor would have stopped beeping. Her chest would if stopped rising. The doctors would have rushed in and worked on the problem. Nonsense, it's all nonsense! I sigh, if it's all nonsense, then why won't this wave of unfaltering fear go away? 

I felt sweat on my forehead. This fear would have been controlled by now! At the least reduced. Wait. Wait. I didn't go home yesterday, did I? Oh no, oh no! I didn't take my medicine yesterday! I didn't took it yesterday because I was excited.. for nothing. I was fine yesterday, but now it's been at least over forty-eight hours! 

I start to tense. A panic attack, great. Right near Yuri and Natsuki too. I looked at the two girls, sleeping peacefully on my left. What would I say? What would I do? If I show my distorter by a panic attack, what would they think? Will they abandon me? 

No, they are too good for that. I looked at them again. We been through thick and thin, of course they will be with me by a little thing like this. 

To think of it, yesterday I was going to tell them. How long till I tell them? I don't certainly like to hide stuff from them. It has been a struggle hiding, breaking down in shadows, panicking in secret, I hated every second. However a fear in me always thinks of the worse and I seemed never do it. 

Today was another one of those days. 

I got up from my spot and went outside the room, looking for a bathroom. I knew a simple splash on my face won't be enough, but it could help. I could hold it off till then. 

I splashed cold water on my face, looking at my reflection. I recite six words, taking deep breaths.

"I am not a human AI." 

"I am not a human AI." 

"I am not a human AI." 

I saw myself frown. It wasn't working as much as I want it to. However, I can't leave. 

I walked back to the hospital room, defeated. I guess I could have run over to my house and back before anyone wakes up. But what if one of them does wake up? What harm could it cause? 

Come on Monika, you're thinking too much. 

When I went back I saw that Yuri and Natsuki was thankfully still sleeping. Thank god. I closed the door behind me, most of the tension leaving me until I met a pair of blue teal eyes. 

Sayori was now sitting on her knees, staring at me. One hand was gently on the white bandage around her neck while the other was on her knees. She was wearing the hospital gown they gave her, which merely seemed to drape her figure then cover it. Her eyes were wide at the sudden surprise.

"Ohayo, Sayori," I say, tears already lining my eyes. 

Sayori smiles. "You don't need to be so formal Monika! It wasn't like I was gone for too long..." She laughs quietly, but as tears spill around her eyes her smile crumbles until she silently sobs. 

"I'm sorry," she finally whispers. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have tried it! If I had know you would have been so hurt by it I wouldn't have tried it! I am just selfish and stupid and worthless and-" 

She gets cuts off when our lips meet. We stayed like that for a while, our lips meeting, our hearts intertwining. We weren't thinking about anything, the sole feeling of just being together over dominating all. 

The parting was bittersweet, but it was worth it seeing each other's eyes again. Sayori's once again fills with tears. She burys her head into my shoulder. 

"It's okay Sayori," I cooed. "We will get to the other things later, but now I'm happy that you're still here now." 

"I am too," Sayori says, muffled. 

We shared a moment, not moving or thinking, but feeling everything. 


	26. Eight Weeks and Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika, Sayori, Natsuki, and Yuri live the rest of their lives.

The first week Sayori was in the hospital, she mostly slept. Mostly to catch up on the countless times she stayed up during the night. Meanwhile, the rest of us tried to shake off the still new shock in our system. It was hard to shake off a friend's death, nevertheless Sayori of all people. I think I was the one who was the one messed up, no matter how much they comforted me, I couldn't stop  _crying_. 

The time I saw Sayori just hanging there remains in my dreams, lingering like a lost spirit. Her dangling feet. Her bloodied neck. Her lifeless eyes. My panic attacks gotten more intense because of those images engraved in my mind. 

I never blamed Sayori for them though, in her mind, she had a good reason. 

I could tell Yuri was paranoid of something, often spacing out but less intense as Sayori did. Every time I try to ask her what's wrong, she smiled. "Don't worry, Monika," she said. "It's nothing that major. I'll tell you later, when the time is right." I believe that she's telling the truth, admitting that's something is a bit wrong, but what is that something? After what just happened, it makes me do nothing but worry, even if she says if she says it now everything will topple more. 

Natsuki won't tell me no matter how much I begged. Sayori didn't know a thing, even after the first week. 

Natsuki was still admitted to the hospital during the first week. She was called to her hospital room several times while we were in Sayori's. The white bandages was still littered on her body and every time I see them, I cringed at the amount if pain that might of felt. 

Natsuki however, felt like a weight was weighed off her shoulders. 

She was energetic everyday and was a positive light to us all. She smiled and joked and laugh more than me and Yuri could ever do that week. She tried to push the negative light away for a while. I was surprised that Natsuki was acting like this. 

"She was just relived of a great pain," Yuri once said to me and Sayori when she was awake. Natsuki was just called to her hospital room. "You should be proud of her." 

"Yuriiii," Sayori whined hoarsely. "Why can't you tell us yet. It supposed to be happy, right?" 

Yuri chuckles. "Well..some of it." 

"Some of it," I ask, now tuning in the conversation. 

"There must be some happy parts in a story. If it wasn't, it wouldn't be entertaining." 

Sayori faintly oooed at Yuri's book logic. I just stared confused. 

"You both really don't know what I'm talking about." 

"No cue," we both respond. Yuri sighs deeply. 

"You find out soon enough." We all laugh lightly.

* * *

 The second week was a week when reality settled in. Sayori was feeling a lot better, sleeping less and less during that day and getting more and more energetic. However, Sayori was feeling guilty that week. She was afraid of disappointing us, if she ever did. I wouldn't blame her, I would feel embarrassed, having a failed suicide attempt and facing the ones I love. 

We were still by her side, even if she didn't want to. Still, I could feel the a pinch of safety in her face when I look at her. A pinch of relief from her usual sadness. It makes my heart blossom over and over. 

Natsuki was finally out of the hospital. We had a small party, but it was worth wild. 

"Let's make a toast," Sayori says. Her voice has gotten better, but it was still hoarse and light. She sits on the side of her bed, worrying that going any father will take out the various clips and gadgets on her arms none of us could understand.

"Yes, a toast!" I think for a while. "Um.. Who's going to say it?"

"Eh, what about me," Natsuki says, pouring herself yet another drink. We couldn't have drinks in the hospital, so we substituted with soda. "I think I have a little something." 

"Break a leg," I say, arching an eyebrow. Sayori woos but then instantly grabs her neck in vain. She recovers shortly after and woos silently. Yuri claps proudly. 

"Okay okay everyone! Let's make a toast to..um.. making out of the hospital? It was hell staying in there anyways, the rooms, the food, the agony!" She yells dramatically. We laugh uncontrollably. 

"So, this is to the hospitals patients.. just staying here! To the hospital patients!" Natsuki lifts her glass in the air.

"To the hospital patients!" We clanked glasses all together and quickly drank it down.

This was one of the first of the memories Sayori had after the attempt. She couldn't remember most of the first week (she was sleeping anyways.) She couldn't remember anything when she woke up before I called the ambulance. 

"You really can't remember anything," I remember telling her once. Yuri and Natsuki already went home.

"Nope, not at all." 

"That must have really suck."

"Hm.. Well, at least I can listen in to your stories! You tell them well!" 

I felt my heart skip a beat. Damn it Sayori. 

I focused myself towards Sayori, who was smiling to herself, looking at her feet. 

"You know how to make me fall for you," I say at last, surprising not only her but myself. 

Sayori finally calms down, her gaze softening. "Well, I'm doing something right." 

* * *

 

The third week was when Sayori was first introduced to her antidepressant. She didn't want to take medicine, but they claim to not let her leave until she at least  _tried_  it. They didn't want her to try attempt as soon as she leaves the hospital. 

Sayori was pissed but accepted it.

She was even more pissed when she says the least amount of weeks she would be here was six.

And, it turned out, one of the antidepressant side effects made her more angrier. It even gotten to the point where Sayori wouldn't even move. 

"Sayori, please.." I begged. Sayori wouldn't budge from her spot under the hospital sheets. 

"No! For the last time, leave me alone," Sayori whined. 

"You have to take it. The nurses won't leave you alone if you don't." 

"But I don't want to! It just makes me feel angrier or sadder or something. It's annoying." 

I sigh as Sayori snuggled under the sheets. 

"You have to come out of there sooner or later." 

"No I don't. I can't stay here for the six or something weeks I'm supposed to be here. Why am I even here for six weeks? I'm not that suicidal anyways. Doctors and nurses can be so clingy-"

I mentally sigh as Sayori rambles on about the same things she mentioned on Tuesday. 

 They prescribed her the same one for a lower dosage later, which made her feel a bit better.

* * *

 

The fourth week was when Sayori was getting used to her medication. Due to the low dosage provided to her, she was acting more and more like herself. 

 She also started therapy that week. 

She says that those one on one talks really help put a weight off her chest. She never knew how much something as simple as talking to a professional can do. 

I remember my experience with therapy. It warmed my heart to see Sayori so happy. 

"Hey, did you ever went to therapy?" 

I snap out of yet another memory. "Yea, I did." 

"Ooo, what was it like? Did you like it?" 

"I did. Talking about everything just relived something in me." 

"Ah, that's what I felt," Sayori says, leaning into her pillows. "It was something I've longed for a long time." 

"Heh, you'll love it of you keep feeling like this. I couldn't believe it when it was over. Goes by like a flash." 

"Did you went last summer? When you moved on from... all of that?" 

"Yea, after I finally moved on, it was like something clicked in me. I knew I couldn't tell you guys, but I knew I need help." 

"Even if it was a professional you didn't even knew," Sayori concludes.

"Yep. At least it was  _someone."_

Sayori gets up from her two-pillow pillow fort she made for herself and looks towards the door and me. 

"How long until you will keep this a secret? The festival is over." 

"The anxiety or us?" 

"E-Ehh?" I laugh at the flustered Sayori. "I meant.. I meant the anxiety, but that's a good question too." 

"Hmm. I planned on revealing them at the same time. Preferably when you are out of this place." 

"That's a good idea.. This is already  _a lot_ , I don't want too much on their plates." 

"So that's a plan!" 

"A plan?" 

"Yea! Obviously the anxiety stuff is my problem, but revealing our relationship is a big thing! It requires an amazing duo!" 

"Quite a duo we are," Sayori says, shining a smug smile. 

* * *

 The fifth week was when Sayori gotten the pain out of us. We didn't break down in front of Sayori (except when she's unconscious) in fear that Sayori will get sadder because of us. 

It took a while, but Sayori started to get suspicious. 

This week was when Sayori was tired of us thinking everything's fine in front of her. 

I realized she made action when I walked in on a teary eyed Sayori and Natsuki. 

"Promise that you wont hide stuff from me anymore," Sayori sniffles, rubbing her eyes. 

"Well then, promise that you won't hurt yourself," Natsuki says, her voice cracking. 

"Don't worry, I'm not going to try again anytime soon." 

"Then, don't worry about me hiding stuff anymore" They laugh at their promise lightly. 

"But really, sorry for keeping everything from you. I never knew that you felt that way," Natsuki says in a low tone. 

Sayori's face immediately gotten apologetic. "No, no. I just wanted everyone to stop hiding their feelings in front of me. If any of you want to cry, we could cry together." 

Natsuki's eyes wells up with tears. "Well, this whole thing is so confusing.." Sayori immediately hugs her, for once not caring about the pins on her arms. 

I was watching from the doorway. By the time I realized what I was doing, Natsuki already saw me. 

"Monika! What are you doing here," Natsuki snaps. Her face burns furiously while she wipes her tears. I laugh nervously. 

"Is Moni's here," Sayori asks, turning to face me. 

"Yea, she's being a stalker." 

"Hey," I snap back. "I was only there for a little while!" 

"Why were you even there at all!" 

I huff, defeated. 

"Come on guys, stop fighting," Sayori chimed in, frowning. 

"Fine," Natsuki says, annoyed. 

"Fine," I muttered, still defeated.

"Now, Moni," Sayori grins. "Let's get you catched up."

* * *

 

The sixth week was, finally, a normal week. Sayori was pumped getting out of the hospital in two weeks. Still, she gets lost in the halls, making light childish trouble with other patients, and making stories every where she goes. 

By the time I leave from school to the time I leave the hospital, I was officially Sayori's caretaker. Either it was me or the staff and I didn't want poor hospital nurses to go in blind with a girl with Sayori. They would be exhausted by the first day. 

Its tiring but something in me screams that it's worth it. 

So everyday after school, I went to the hospital with Natsuki and Yuri to see Sayori. 

We also started having literature club meetings in the hospital, since we are often there anyways. The beginning of that week it felt like nothing really changed.

Then Friday rolled around. I was walking from school to the hospital with Natsuki and Yuri when I saw Sayori's still abandoned house. I realized that I never cleaned it and figured it would be a nice surprise for Sayori to come home to a clean house. 

"Natsuki, Yuri, I'll be there soon," I yelled catching their attentions. 

"Where are you going," Yuri asked confusion on her face. 

"Just going to do something last-minute! Bye!" 

We waved at each other for while before I left, racing my way towards Sayori's house. 

Sayori's house looked just like we left it. Broken phone. Three envelopes. Bloodied rope. 

It smelt like old, rotting, dry blood. 

I almost gagged, then braced myself for being here for a long time. 

Mission: "Clean Sayori's House" is a go! 

After I was finished cleaning, (it took an hour and an half at least) I rewarded myself by laying down in Sayori's bed, looking at my work. 

The room practically  _shines_. 

I smile at myself before noticing an envelope that hits my thigh. I picked up all of envelopes before they can annoy me more. Then I noticed the colors and realized what they are for. 

Purple, Pink, Green. 

I shakily turned them to the back, revealing a neatly handwritten note;

To: Yuri

From: Sayori

 

To: Natsuki

From: Sayori

 

To: Monika

From: Sayori

 

 Sayori's suicide letters. 

 

My mind wanders off to dark places. If Sayori wasn't alive, these would be her last words to us. The last thing she brought for us. 

Sayori's funeral would have been this week.

I wonder what Sayori's funeral would have been like. I wonder how it will affect my friends. I wonder how it will affect me. 

Would I be okay? 

I was brought back to reality from a ripping sound. I had opened the light green envelope, ruining its perfect seal. 

I was this close, I should at least read it. I hesitated, increasing my grip. 

Will I be okay? 

Of course I would. This is nothing. A fling in a past now. Sayori's alive. Sayori's alive. 

Yet, all that haunts my thoughts is Sayori just hanging there. 

~~_ Her dull blue eyes stared at me, a constant reminder that all that used to be. _ ~~

~~_All that I allowed to slip through my hands._ ~~

I forced my hands to show the noted paper inside. I forced my eyes to scan over every word that was written. I forced my body to not shriver or break or splinter. I forced myself to read Sayori's letter. 

Then, after gently put the letter on the bed and got up to go to Sayori's bathroom. Splashing cold water on my face, I try to calm myself. 

But I couldn't stop shaking. 

I couldn't stop  _crying_. 

~~_ The fresh blood drips from her neck onto the cold bare floor. All caused by the rope forever restraining her throat. Forever keeping her in a blinding prison. _ ~~

I covered my eyes as an attempt to try to stop crying and dropped to the floor, begging for the memories to go away. 

~~_ This is not the Sayori I became friends with. This is not the Sayori I made vice president to the liter club to. This is not the Sayori I spilled my whole life story to. This is only a lifeless replica.  _ ~~

~~_The original is never coming back_~~. 

A few buzzes from my phone thankfully free me. I desperately dig in my pocket for something to distract me. 

The literature club #Sayinka

_5:38_

Sayoyo 2.0: Monika where are you, it has been an hour and thirty

Sayoyo 2.0: Natsuki and Yuri said you will be here in a while.

Sayoyo 2.0: What are you doing anyways

Sayoyo 2.0: Something naughty OwO

Book Nerd: Sayori, no.

Sayoyo 2.0: Aw, why do I always get caught and Monika doesn't

Book Nerd: You learnt it from Monika, didn't you?

Sayoyo 2.0: Nope!

Book Nerd: What does it mean then? 

Sayoyo 2.0: Playing a prank or something? 

Book Nerd: Incorrect.

Sayoyo 2.0: awwww no fun

 

* * *

 

I decided to reply to stop the matters from getting worse. 

* * *

 

Is On Timeout: Guys I'm fine! Sorry for late reply welp

Sayoyo 2.0: Monika! Ya back! 

Book Nerd: Welcome back, Monika!

Sayoyo 2.0: something really fun happened today! I can't wait to tell it to you! 

Is On Timeout: I'm not coming to the hospital today. Something came up

Sayori 2.0: Is it something serious? Are you okay? Do I have to come get you? 

Book Nerd: Are you okay? 

Is On Timeout: I'm fine! Just something came up! You can't come get me even if you tried Sayori. 

Sayoyo 2.0: ehehe

Is On Timeout: Boo hoo! I need to go now! I will just see you guys tomorrow. <3

Sayoyo 2.0: Baiii <3

Book Nerd: Love you!

* * *

I sighed, dropping the phone on my side. I couldn't go there now, not like this. 

_~~She's **dead**. ~~ _

So what am I supposed do? Let these memories control me? It's all in the past now. I just need to move on. I shakily stood up, looking at my face in the mirror with new-found determination. 

I did it once, I could do it again. 

"You're not a perfect AI. This is completely normal for a regular high schoolgirl. You're okay, Monika," the reflection in mirror said breathlessly, wiping away the few stray tears. 

"I'm okay." 

I went back into Sayori's bedroom, putting away the notes into her dresser. She would fine them soon enough. Then having nothing to do, I plopped back in Sayori's bed and felt a paper ball touch my knee. I soon looked over the situation, seeing that lots of note pad paper had been crumbled into little balls and been stuffed underneath the bed. 

I grinned, I guessed I am not quite done yet. 

After that, I never told anyone about the letters. Everything and everyone just went back to normal. Still, I could tell that Sayori knew something happened, but she always gotten distracted by simply trying to have fun in the most dreadful place on earth. And me? I had gotten distracted by watching her. 

* * *

 The seventh week was the same as the sixth week, but instead Natsuki and Yuri was often out of school. They also were often late visiting Sayori in the hospital, rushing in with formal suits. 

Once, Natsuki didn't come at all. Yuri said she was attending a funeral. 

"Why didn't she tell us? Who was it, anyways," Sayori asks, her voice piping with questions. 

"An old aunt or uncle out-of-town, maybe," I responded, trying to hide the curiosity in my voice. 

"It was her Papa," Yuri whispers, her eyes downcast. We stared at her in shock. 

"Her Papa? Wasn't he her only parent? Her mother ran away, right?" 

"Yep. Natsuki is staying with me now. Well, until she's ready to find a new place. She isn't really the richest." 

"Oh," I say my voice lowers. "How is she dealing with it?" 

"Good actually! She's in a good mood most days. It's the court days when she's annoyed. I'm quite annoyed by them too." 

"Court days," Sayori and I asked, confused. Yuri looks at us like we were oblivious.

"Oh, didn't I tell you?" 

"No. You keep saying that you will tell us later when the  _time's right_."

"Yea! You kept applying your book logic on us!" 

Yuri gets flustered. "I-I told you too much. That book logic was for a reason!" 

"Yurriiii..." 

"Come on...please?" 

"Fine. But only because Sayori is doing better. Don't tell Natsuki I told you this, I wouldn't hear the end of it." Sayori and I squeal and highfived at our joined efforts. "However, the news that I am telling isn't that happy." We calmed down and listened to Yuri patiently. It couldn't be that bad- 

"Natsuki was abused," Yuri says, sharp and clear. The air gets thinner as we both stared in shock. 

"WHAT," Sayori says. I couldn't tell if the tears in her eyes were from the news or from the pain from yelling. She continues in a more quieter, breathless, voice. "What?... How?... When?... Why didn't I known? I should have known the moment I woken up after the attempt. I should have known from the moment I saw the bandages.." 

"Sayori, I didn't know either-" 

"SHUT UP, MONIKA! I'M TIRED OF YOU TALKING LIKE IT'S ALL UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS!" Sayori gazes hardens as I looked away, dejected.

"Sayori..." Yuri lingers in the background. Her face is filled with despair.

"Wait, wait, Monika I'm so sorry I let my emotions get ahead of me! I'm so sorry! So sorry! Please forgive me!" 

"It's okay Sayori," I say after a few moments, my heart still remained broken in two. I can't help but feel the air tense. "Yuri, continue." 

Yuri looks surprised at the sudden attention on her, but then tells her story. 

It turned out that she didn't knew for long too. That until Natsuki turned up one night seeking shelter. They hid from him in Yuri's closet, still as Natsuki's father hurdled insults and threats at them. She added that he threatened to kill Sayori and I too. 

In the end as her father was grabbing his gun, the police came. He didn't drop his gun and the police shot him. 

"She was so shocked that she fainted," Yuri says, her voice breaking. "He has abused her so many times that she  _fainted_  because of the shock of not having to go through it again."    

"How fucked up can a man be," I say, my voice drips with rage. 

"Now I feel bad. She wouldn't have to suffer if I just known," Sayori says. Her voice fills with sadness. 

Yuri smiles. "Those are both things I felt after I found out. However, it's better to think what have you done now rather than what you should have did in the past. It really helps." 

"More book logic?" 

"No actually, it's from one of the kindest people who helped me that day! A police officer." She smiles at the thought for a while before  realizing something. "Wait. W-why is everything I say now is called  _book logic_ ?"  Sayori and I laugh our butts off. After a while Yuri stops being flustered and laughs, too.

* * *

 

The eight and last week was when me, Yuri and Natsuki decided to throw Sayori a welcome home bash. We planned everything while walking from school and from the hospital. We also decorated Sayori's house after visiting the hospital everyday so Sayori won't get suspicious.

Meanwhile Sayori was practically jumping out of her seat. 

"I'm going home tomorrow! Only twenty hours until I'm finally free!" Sayori runs around in circles in the little hospital room. Her voice has almost gotten back to the way it was before the attempt so the doctors finally let her take off the white bandage across her neck. 

It left a faint scar. The faint scar would probably not fade away, but it gotten from a large bleeding cut to a scar, which was excellent. 

_~~The bleeding gash of broken skin and blood had gotten engraved in my mind, forever reminding me of what was lost.~~ _

I shake my head, not wanting to relive those memories again. I guess this is what trams feels like. Maybe I should get help.

I notice Sayori's voice again. "I'm probably not going to sleep tonight! My excitement will be my only caffeine!" 

"The nurses would probably be mad at you again. Remember what did that one time," Yuri warns. 

Sayori shivers in fear. "They grounded me...in the hospital! It was so lonely!" 

"Hehe, Sayori better be in her bed at a reasonable time, or the big bad nurses will haunt her," I say in a grueling voice. Sayori jokingly screams. 

"Eek!" She runs to her bed and holds one of her pillows. She shields herself with it. "Come at me, nurses!" 

We all laugh. 

Twenty hours later, after Sayori finished saying bye to the staff and patients, I blinded her with a blindfold. Natsuki and Yuri already went ahead.

"Moni, where are we going now," Sayori asked, excitement in her voice. I took her hand. 

"To your house!" 

"But nothing's in my house..." She gasps. "You did something! What did you do? What did you do?" 

"It's called a surprise for a reason." She sighs. 

"But all I want to do is know the surprise." 

"You will...soon!"

Sayori awws.

After walking a short mile, we came to Sayori's house. The windows, once devoid of life, explodes with color and movement. Music blasts loud enough to be heard lightly from the outside. Finally, Sayori's home feels like a home. I think Sayori notices too. 

"Moni, what is this," Sayori asks between chuckles as I lead her towards the pavement. I try hard to control my laughter, but it spills anyways. 

"Well, before I show you, I would like you to know that this is from Natsuki, Yuri and me. We want you to know that we will be with you every step of the way." 

"Monika, what-" 

I untied her blindfold and opened the door. 

"Surprise!" 

"Surprise..!" 

"Surprise." 

The inside was decorated with copper and red streamers across the place. Three or more balloons are at each side of the room, each a different color. The scent of freshly baked sweets fill the place heavily. 

For once, the lights were on. 

However that wasn't all. It was the handmade large banner in front of everything, hanging on the wall. Two friends stand underneath it, one hand a small smile on her lips and the other hand a wide smirk. 

"Guys," Sayori says at last, her eyes capturing everything. "I-I don't know what to say.. but..." 

Before, I realized it, Sayori was hugging me laughing as the tears run over her face.

 "Thank you!" 

Sayori then hugs Yuri and Natsuki. I laugh at the sight if Sayori twirling Natsuki around in her deep hug. 

"Thank you guys so much! I don't know what else to say..." 

"Yea, yea. We love you too. Blah, Blah, Blah. Can you put me down?"

"Oh?"  

We laughed, ready to party a night without restrictions.

* * *

 

I looked up at my ceiling, thinking of these memories. Of this crazy, fun packed, sometimes emotional, eight weeks. 

I wonder if so much can happen in eight weeks, what could happen in the school year? 

A bang on the door interrupts my thoughts, causing me to sit up in my bed. "Sayori! Monika! We're going to be late if you don't get your lazy butts up!" I looked at my alarm. Oh no! Did I lost this much time just thinking? 

I scrambled out of my bed and into my hallway towards my guest bedroom. Sayori has stayed there for the week she was out of the hospital so I can check on her to see if she's fine. She would do horrible by herself. "Sayori! Wake up!"

A few moments later a groggy Sayori came out of the room, rubbing her eyes. She gets flustered in only the mere seconds of looking at me. 

"Moni. Clothes." 

I looked down at myself. Sure enough, I was wearing a black a dark green bra and underwear, no clothes in sight. Normally, I would be fine with this, I'm in my house after all, but I needed a uniform on asap. 

"Sayori, we're late." Sayori is shocked by this, immediately rummaging through the guest closet. When I was back towards my own she trots to me. 

"I don't have it," she says putting her index fingers together. "Probably left it at home." I sigh, rummaging through my closet again. 

Sayori peeks at my collection. "Moni, you know that your uniforms are too big for me." I hand her one of my oldest. 

"Here, it's my smallest one." It was still a little to big for her, but Sayori was satisfied and walked away happily. 

After, we ate a small breakfast, took our medicine, and got out of the door in a whole five minutes. 

"Took you long enough," Natsuki huffs from her large pink scarf. Yuri checks her phone for the time in alarm. 

"Come on, it's already been ten minutes, let's go!" She grabs Natsuki's hand and dashes off to school with Natsuki's consent. I do the same with Sayori. 

Together, we race our way towards the unknown.

 

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading Wilt! 
> 
> I'm so happy that you read the whole thing. I hope you enjoyed their adventure!  
> For other plans, I'm writing another fic with this one, but it's really short.  
> I think I'm making another longer fic in this series too, but it hasn't been fully decided yet.  
> Before all of that, I editing old chapters to make the reading experience a bit better for new readers. I might not write again for weeks, but I will write once more!  
> Now, until we meet again. Sayonara, reader. 
> 
> ~Riri


End file.
